RECALL MADNESS

Good morning, voter! If you’re not registered, do so immediately! You can go to a website sponsored by Working Assets and sign up now; tell your friends about it, too. www.RegistrationByWorkingAssets.com is the URL.

Now then! All ready to cast your ballot? I’ll vote for you if you’ll vote for me.

Seriously, the cast of dozens on the California recall ballot really brings the anarchist slogan to life: “Don’t vote, it only encourages them.” I have serious anarchist sympathies, I have to tell you, but in this case, I think every vote possible should be cast. Do I think democracy hangs in the balance? Well, yes, but I’ve felt that way for a while. I’m certainly not living in the society I learned about as a kid in Social Studies class. Do I think the Republicans have embarked on a campaign to steal elections? Boy howdy, I sure do! But I should note that if the Democrats ever manage to get as good as the Republicans at manipulating the public, and if they ever get equal access to coffers full of non-special-interest money, they’d very likely do the same sorts of things.

Which brings me to Arnold Schwarzenegger, the subject of my remarks today.

The chameleon life this guy has led rivals Madonna’s, which I suppose means we can expect her to run for office soon. In fact, it’s probably a small miracle that she’s not a candidate -- too distracted, I guess, by Britney Spears. (Personally, I’m just waiting for those two to do a Playboy pictorial.) As I said years ago about Bill Clinton, I do like having some idea about my future leaders’ sexual predilections, although clearly this is not the Republicans’ view. (Anyhow, I said that about Gennifer Flowers -- I sure didn’t expect the Lewinsky thing to come along, putting a big nail in the coffin of modern democracy. And I’m not saying that because he had freaky ways of smoking his cigars.) The Republicans would really prefer not to know about the sex lives of the people they plan to vote for. If they don’t know, they won’t have to make an issue of it nor run the risk of having to appear more socially liberal than the far right will tolerate. It’s not just gays in the military who rock the boat, you see --it’s also authoritarian bodybuilders who used to fuck everybody at the gym.

I couldn’t be more amused at the predicament they find themselves in with Arnold. After trying to boot Clinton from the presidency for his sexual peccadilloes, their new Great Aryan Hope turns out to have been a playa’ too! The beautiful thing is, no one knows whether that’s in his deep past, or whether he and Maria Shriver are swingin’ every weekend. Hey, these people are rich -- “I don’t need any special-interest money, I have plenty of my own,” remember? Why on earth do you think people want to be rich, besides all the gadgets you can afford, and the extra legroom on planes? It’s because you can then live any damned sort of life you want. You can be the public voice of social conservatism and get laid any which way when you go to the Bohemian Grove to hobnob with your fellow wizards, because the prostitutes will come to you. You can party like an eligible bachelor (whether or not you’re married), and then sneak over to Thailand for something special.

Of course, America’s great hypocrisy has been this tendency for the powerful, especially politicians, especially conservative ones, to maintain a profound double standard around what they and those of their class get to do, and what the rest of us get to do. It’s like jaywalking, sexually speaking. They have no reason to support making any sexual behavior legal that currently isn’t, no matter what sodomites and whoremongers they are behind closed doors. At least some Democrat players are socially progressive and don’t go hide in the toilet when sex is mentioned. And if we elected enough of them to office, they might have the balls -- or ovaries -- to talk sense about sex and public policy.

They might. But few American politicians are that brave. And now we have Arnold, the bravest of them all, who won’t even give us a straight answer about whether he used to party in the gym! Look, if this guy really had group sex back in the day, that’d give me a reason to support him. But first he said he did (but it was the ‘70s, everyone was goin’ wild, man), and then he said he didn’t (“I just made that up to promote bodybuilding”), and depending on the interviewer, he won’t even answer the question at all, going straight to Stock Answer Number Three: “I love my wife and family.”

Sure you do, Arnold! And when I was a call girl, all my clients with wedding ring tan lines did too. God, when I think how many Republicans I might have met under those circumstances, it gives me hives. Thank goodness I was never called upon to do Arnold; it’s so hard to find a guy’s penis once he’s done lots of steroids.

But here’s the thing: The news here isn’t Arnold, with his pumped-up tits, millions of bucks, and Hollywood life. The news is how the Republicans are hopping around trying to deal with his version of a bimbo eruption. They did the same thing with Reagan, remember? One of the first big-time pols to have gotten a divorce -- which conventional wisdom once said was way too hot for politics. Now the damned guys are leaving their wives during cancer treatment and still expecting to get re-elected. Do you suppose that if we elect Arnold, the upshot will eventually be sex clubs in strip malls?

Like I said, that’s a reason to vote for him, as far as I’m concerned, but no amount of partying in this guy’s history makes him a progressive candidate. My very favorite Arnoldism of the moment concerns his “special interest money” definition like, anyone who gives moolah to a Democrat is acting as a partisan of special interests, while getting money from huge corporations and other rich guys is, like, normal. Man, that’s what Republicans do! It’s not special at all!

Show me evidence that this big guy isn’t the biggest meat puppet on the planet -- Charlie McCarthy on steroids. But I’ll hand it to him, probably no one else could have made Darrell Issa cry.

THE REAL SEX CANDIDATES

But maybe big butch Arnold hasn’t charmed you. Maybe you want a governor you’ve seen naked! One with big tits!

Oh, wait, that actually describes Arnold too, huh?

Well, but Mary Carey’s charms and abilities are more evident in recent movies. Does she have a gubernatorial platform, aside from, ah, complete transparency? I’m not sure, but if anything, she’s an even bigger pop culture candidate than Arnold. And we know her name now, which, face it, seems to be why most of those 135 yahoos are running for governor. Do they all have the same PR firm? “Just run for governor, babe, and you’ll have it made.”

And then there’s the man whose gubernatorial plans might actually balance the budget -- Larry Flynt. People, what’s not to like about Flynt? He’s a First Amendment hero -- nay, practically a First Amendment martyr. He took a bullet for the right to publish Hustler -- a magazine that US citizens have voted for with their wallets, and there is no more American vote of confidence than that. So he’s a shrewd observer of the public climate. He’s a business candidate -- hey, have you been inside his Los Angeles HQ? I have, and it’s pretty swank. The fellow knows how to run a company.

Does it follow that he could run a state? Well, let’s compare him with Arnold for a second. Arnold’s job is pretending to be somebody else. He’s pretty good at it -- witness his current hot role, as he plays California’s political savior. Flynt’s job, on the other hand, is to run a corporation based on a savvy read of the public, its desires and its practical behaviors. When Flynt says he can raise money with slot machines, who on earth should argue with him? It’s working for the tribal casinos, the one opportunity the Native Americans around the country have found that might actually let them win back the nation they lost to bad treaties and double-dealing.

Revenues from prostitution? Say, I’m sure I’m not the only one who ever paid her taxes, but there is, trust me, uncollected money to be had -- and that’s just the taxes that should be paid now, but aren’t. Get into a legalized prostitution situation, and somebody’d be collecting big licensing fees too, wouldn’t they? And then there’d be a few bucks they’d save because they could trim back Vice.

Friends, perhaps we need a chief executive who knows a little something about what the word “executive” means; and I know I’m not worried about “special interests” cowing a guy who took a bullet and then kept doing the things that made him get shot in the first place. Sure, Grey Davis went to Vietnam, but Larry Flynt wears a Purple Heart from my war.

NEWS FROM THE CENTER FOR SEX & CULTURE

The Center for Sex & Culture, my new nonprofit, is closer to opening its doors, but we still need to raise some funds to get into a space. The CSC is a sex education classroom, library, and archive, and as soon as we have our own place to put all the books, porno, important papers, and cool old sex-related art, you can come visit!

We have a workshop coming up with Portland, Oregon sex writer Darklady “Writing About Sex for Fun and Profit.” It’s at BUILD, a small gallery in San Francisco, on the evening of September 29th. Check out the CSC website for more detail at www.centerforsexandculture.com.
There are two fun ways to help us raise money coming up this month first, come to “Carol Queen and Friends,” an evening of sexy entertainment in Oakland on September 21, and buy a chance to “Win a Date With a Porn Star”! Local alternative porn performers want to have a drink with you and chat about smut. More about this event will shortly be available here on the "Coming Up" page, and my other public performances are listed there as well.

And we’ll be the beneficiaries of our friends at Fantasy Makers at the Folsom Street Fair on Sunday, September 28th come find the Fantasy Makers booth and talk to people from the CSC as well as the St. James Infirmary, and maybe get a little spanking for charity! Come on, you know you want it. I’ll be there in person for most of the day, so come tell me what kinds of sex ed classes you’ve always wanted to take. Nina Hartley has promised to come and teach us all how to fuck, as soon as we have a good space in which to do it.

Remember, too, that CSC always seeks donations of sex books, videos, magazines, and other items. If you have this sort of stuff, we want it! And we also need donations, which are deductible. You can send checks (and donated items) to us at 2215-R Market Street, #455, SF CA 94114. Help us save the items that our culture tends to discard. We’re especially seeking a certain copy of Oui magazine from the 1970s, featuring an interview with a certain bodybuilder.