HALLOWQUEEN POSTSCRIPT

A surprising number of people amassed outside the Castro Theatre dressed like poor Roy Horn (all bloody, with stuffed white tigers attached to their throats I love the way San Franciscans pay attention to current events, especially on Hallowe’en). Many other costumes were also seen, of course, once we got out of the theatre where we’d had an early-evening celebration: HallowQueen, which I wrote about last time, the documentary about me and my born-again brother John.

There were many fine costumes inside, too, especially drag, since HallowQueen was a drag contest. But at least one guy dressed as Jesus (in honor of my bro? I hope he felt supported, though I suppose Jesus is with him all the time), and an otherwise-adorable caterer had a spike sticking out of her head. I saw a fair number of faux wounds on Hallowe’en, making me wonder whether our culture is way too fixated on those new death scene and plastic surgery TV shows.

This recap is an excuse to show you some great HallowQueen pix. Pretty, the MC, was fabulous, resplendent in a monarch butterfly costume. I dressed like a, what the hell, queen. (Why fight it? The bigger queens were going to outdo me anyway; they can wear bigger hair.) The queens in the drag show were all too fantastic for words, and at least two of them were virgins! That’s hard to find in SF, especially in the Castro. I was especially fond of the one who did faux masturbation after a Twin Peaks “wrapped in plastic” entrance. But they were all sexy! It was the best damned drag show I’d seen in a long time, and the winner, a gorgeous and imperious black-clad Teutonic domme type, very much deserved her loud acclaim. Her name was Baroness Griselda Von Bitemyass, and Sacher-Masoch would have eaten his heart out.

So the point is, be there next year. It will only get better. And maybe they’ll be serving the drink they named after me! It has a cherry in it to pop. But I think that’s supposed to be ironic.

Carol and videographer Magen Callaghan, who's doing the Two Queens documentary.

CELEBRATE ANTI-PORN WEEK! RENT SOME SMUT!!

OK, by the time you read this, it will be over, since it was held October 26 through November 1. But celebrate it anyhow. You know, holidays don’t have to be just one day long anymore. Thanksgiving leftovers are always better then next day, and kids wear their Hallowe’en costumes for a full week, and people routinely wait to buy Xmas presents until the 26th, when things are on sale. So there’s no reason to fret that you missed Protection From Pornography Week.

Yes, while helicopters were getting blown to smithereens in Iraq, George W. Bush desired that citizens here focus on something totally distracting. What could be more distracting than porno? It distracts those who like it: Porn fans will salivate over a video screen like a dog does a bone. And it distracts those who hate it! It’s a perfect issue!

"Pornography can have debilitating effects on communities, marriages, families, and children," intones Bushie’s proclamation. W declares that "public officials, law enforcement officers, parents, and all the people of the United States” should “observe this week with appropriate programs and activities."

Absolutely! And even if you were not observing porn last week, er, I mean, observing last week, you can make up for it right now. Here are my suggestions. (By the way, Palo Alto sex therapist Marty Klein, who has a great website, has issued a splendid counter-proclamation, which I also recommend. Have a look at www.sexualintelligence.org)

First, pop your favorite tape in the VCR and try to watch it as if you’re seeing it for the first time. What do you like about it? (A performer, the sexual chemistry, the sex acts?) What does that tell you about yourself and your own sexuality?

Next, go get a new tape. Rent it from your neighborhood store, or even online. (Have I forgotten to tell you that Good Vibrations now has web-based porn rentals? All the convenience of Netflix, with X-rated choices! See www.goodvibes.com for the details.) Choose as your new tape something you’ve never seen before: a new performer, a different director, a type of sex you don’t ordinarily watch. (Yes, I realize that for a few of you, that last directive will necessitate a trip to Amsterdam.) Compare and contrast, class! Does the new tape confirm your conclusions from Exercise 1? Or does it open new doors?

OK, three: If you have a partner, find out if she or he is willing to watch a video with you. If you’ve never done this before, It might require some actual communication, so be prepared for that. It’s not recommended to just pop a tape into the VCR. Chat about fantasies, about your favorite erotic things, about new things you might try together. (If you’re lucky, you’ll come out of this with not just a porn partner, but a whole list of things to brighten up those chilly winter weekends you’ll spend waiting for holiday VISA bills to arrive.) If your partner is willing but nervous (as in, s/he’s heard all the Bush administration’s folderol about porn), ask her or him to choose the movie. If you need help with your selections, check out Violet Blue’s great new book, The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos, which supercedes all older books on the topic.

Having fun yet? I’ve always thought we needed a porn-related holiday, you know; might as well use this one.

PORN GOOD/PORN NOT-SO-GOOD

Finally, in the interest of a fair and balanced view of this topic from someone who actually knows something about it (that’d be me, as opposed to the Justice Department and the Prez), let’s look at some positives and negatives about pornography. Oh yes, unlike the current administration and most other anti-pornography demagogues, I am more than willing to consider both sides of this contentious issue.

Let’s start with not-so-good, so that I can end on a positive note. People who are very, very into porn sometimes (though certainly not always) display two problematic issues. Actually, Doonesbury celebrated porn week by delving into one of these: the “porn equals perfection, and none of the women I know are perfect” problem. Garry Trudeau, Doonesbury’s creator, noted through his characters that although porn fans are surrounded by actual women, none of those women are porn stars; hence, they’re imperfect by definition. I salute Trudeau for exposing this fallacy, and want to send a memo inspired by it. Note to Porn Aficionados: If she’s next to you and she’s willing to have sex with you, she is a de facto improvement over any picture you see on a screen or a page. Hello, porn fans! Real porn stars are not clamoring to fuck you, despite all the spam to the contrary. That means in real life: If someone loves you, if someone desires you, if someone is even willing to charge you a fair rate, that means you have an actual person you might actually be able to have sex with. And unless you really like Mrs. Palm And Her Five daughters more than other human contact, you should pick the real human. Odds improve of your getting to experience a real-life blowjob.

Here’s the other issue, though it’s not by any means restricted to porn. Porn, especially mail-order and Internet porn, allows you to stay home with your fantasies and Mrs. Palm and the gang. You don’t have to go out, meet actual humans, whomp up the social skills to get friendly with them. You don’t get as much touch, and you certainly don’t get as many blowjobs unless you’re a yoga master. (Is that what’s up with all these dang yoga studios these days?)

This may be okay with you as long as you’re telecommuting to a swanky Silicone Valley job and can have pizza and prostitutes delivered to your door. Hey, use the opportunity to have a conversation! But what about when the bottom falls out? Those blowjob-related social skills can actually help you find a real job, if you know how to spin ‘em.

OK, now for pornography’s pluses.

It allays curiosity. Not always very well; as I’ve said before, don’t assume all those positions are being performed by all the civilians out there. Some of them just allow for awesome camera angles, and you do have to have studied yoga to even get into them. But people are into porn because they want to see sex. They like to watch.

It turns you on. And that’s a good thing, whether John Ashcroft thinks so or not. Erotic energy, sexual response, and orgasm are good for you, whether you’re alone or with your partner.

Porn opens doors to sexual fantasy and possibility… and even to sexual limits. All good to know about.

Porn helps you talk to your partner about all these things, and in some cases share new erotic adventures. A plus for those of you without VCRs: It can do all this even if you never watch it! Even just talking about porn on a car trip can initiate all kinds of conversation about the erotic, sexual fantasies, likes and dislikes. It might help keep you together. Even monogamous! Why, that verges on Family Values.

But having said that, a PS. Don’t share your porn with your kids. Give them a reason besides booze to want to turn 18 in one piece.