Dr. Queen,

My wife has indicated that she would like to try anal sex. She said she has thought about this for several years (we are in our 60s) but didn't know how to bring up the subject. She knows that I associate such activity with gay men and don't find the thought very appealing. Why would a women want anal penetration, anyway? Is this an abnormal desire for a woman (especially in her middle 60s)? What does she get out of it (that area is rather remote from the clitoris)? Is anal sex between a man and a woman considered normal or even typical? How should I handle this matter? Otherwise, our sex life is fine -- at least I thought so until my wife expressed her non-standard desire to me. Can one learn to like this activity?

Mr. Trepidatious

Dear Mr. T,

I commend you for making a comfortable enough space in your relationship with your wife that she could speak to you about something with which you are uncomfortable. I may not be able to tell you anything that will make you want to try anal sex, but I'll be happy to try to put her interests into perspective for you and to answer some of your questions.

It's ironic, isn't it, that with so many men out there itching to try anal sex -- the great forbidden erotic option, at least that's how many people experience it, which makes them fantasize about it like crazy -- you have a *wife* who wants to do it. I gather from your questions that part of your confusion about her desire is that you don't associate this desire with women, but rather with gay men. The fact is, one study conducted about fifteeen years ago suggested that more heterosexual women had had anal intercourse than gay men. Many gay men don't actually have anal sex at all, and don't want to have it. They, too, grew up in a culture that makes this activity taboo, in spite of the pleasure it can provide. Besides, some people -- you are a perfect example -- just don't eroticize this, for reasons that range from taboo to concern about cleanliness to fear of experiencing or causing pain. I'll get back to these issues later, because if you *are* going to experiment with your wife to see if you might be able to enjoy anal sex, it will help take on the reasons you feel such trepidation. Yes, it is very possible to learn to enjoy this activity, but not if you're too nervous or off-put to relax and see whether you find it pleasurable.

Many women across the age spectrum fantasize about anal play or have explored it. It is probably more common among women younger than your wife, but no good statistics exist to substantiate this. The study I mentioned above suggested that 40% of married women had tried it. I know a woman in her 70s who prefers it to vaginal intercourse, and in fact women who have found that menopause has affected their pleasure in vaginal penetration might still like the sensation anal penetration produces. It may not matter so much if the vaginal walls have grown dryer and thinner, as they can do in post-menopausal women, when anal penetration is on the sexual menu; since lubrication must be used for anal sex no matter what, it may actually become a more pleasurable activity. Furthermore, women your wife's age have had a lifetime of experience to grow comfortable with their sexuality. It is a crying shame that society still tends to think of people over 50 or 60 as past their prime sexually; they are most certainly not, partly due to this age-and-experience-related comfort level. You and your wife are a great example of this: not only is your sex life good, you're still contemplating trying new things!

While the anus in indeed a little distance from the clitoris, it's really not far, far away. Many women who like anal intercourse can orgasm from it, partly because the pressure of thrusting, even anal thrusting, will provide some clitoral stimulation. It's not enough for every woman, but some -- perhaps your partner is one -- do respond this way. Also, the clitoris is not the sole generator of sexual and orgasmic sensation in a woman. Though anal sex does not result in direct clitoral stimulation, if a person likes the sensations anal penetration produces, it can be a highly erotic and arousing form of sex. There are densely-packed nerves in the anus, and when touched the right way, they produce voluptuous and pleasurable sensations. These alone are enough to cause high arousal states and orgasm in some women. And there are women, too, who report that they get some g-spot stimulation this way.

I hope you are getting the picture that I'd like you to consider separating the issue of anal stimulation from your ideas about a person's gender or sexual orientation. Everybody has an anus, and while not everyone thinks of it as a site of eroticism, that has to do with personal preference and belief, not whether they are male or female, gay, straight, or bisexual. Plenty of straight men, in fact, like anal penetration, a fact that was brought home to us at Good Vibrations a few years ago when Bend Over Boyfriend became our then-bestselling video of all time.

No, attraction or repulsion do not have to do with *who* you are, but how you think about an erotic possibility. People who have had negative or non-consensual experiences with anal penetration might be far lass likely to try it again, though many painful first experiences have been turned around later when people learned to use lube. Then there's the taboo that says anal sex is dirty. But anal play aficionados learn to clean out the rectum, greatly minimizing this issue. And anal sex has of course been rendered frightening to many people by its association with HIV, but it is possible to have completely safe sex and still include anal play.

To give you something to compare your negative associations to, here are some reasons pleople say they like anal sex: Some are attracted to it specifically *because* it is forbidden. They get a thrill from breaking the taboo, or just fantasizing about it. Some like it because it produces intense erotic sensations. And still others feel that it is one of the most intimate kinds of sex.

None of this may allay your feelings of trepidation, but nevertheless, I want to assure you that what your wife has shared with you is a common and acceptable desire, and if anything, what's *un*common (though in a very positive way) is her comfort in speaking up about it. You are lucky to have a partner who trusts you to share her desires with you and who values sexual pleasure.

If you decide to explore this further with her, I would suggest reading up a little bit on anal technique. *Anal Pleasure and Health* is a good place to start; you might also appreciate the perspective of *The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women*. And remember, anal sex does not automatically mean anal intercourse. You can choose to explore this kind of stimulation using toys and fingers before (or instead of) using your penis. Make sure if you do so that your toy is not scratchy or breakable, and that it has a base; make sure fingernails are not sharp or ragged; and make sure you use lube. Taking it slow and adding anal play bit by bit into your sex life may also demystify this question for you. I hope these thoughts are useful to you. Whatever you do, keep enjoying one another.