Sexy Words, On Paper and Otherwise

Dear Carol,

I need some advice if that is possible. I just became a phone sex operator 2 or 3 weeks ago and need some help. I can get guys to pick me but I'm having trouble keeping them on the line for very long. It's like one could last for 25 minutes, the next one 1 minute. I do not want to lose my job because of this (there’s a talk time quota because the guys pay by the minute). I have a very sexy voice which attracts a lot of the callers, but I guess I'm just not too good on the details.

Which one of your books would you recommend to help me with the lingo I need to use and to draw out the callers’ wants and expectations? It seems that over half of them already have a hard-on and don’t seem to last very long... HELP!!

--Beth

Dear Beth,

First I want you to stop worrying that you’re not doing a good job because guys come so quickly when they get on the phone with you. Plenty of men just don’t last very long (Kinsey said the median time to masturbated orgasm in men was 3-point-something fifty years ago, and those fellows didn’t have access to your sexy voice!). When I worked in the peep show I noticed men spending quality time in the cheaper porn movie booths and then rushing over to the booth where I was waiting to talk live (but for more money). I was puzzled by this until I did the math; a guy could save a few bucks by getting himself turned on before he started paying $5 for three minutes. Many of your callers may be doing the same: getting hot and bothered, dialing the phone, and saving a little cash.

None of this will assuage your employer, of course. They want you to keep callers on the line by hook or by crook. And of course your own paycheck depends on this, so it’s also in your own best interest to lengthen that “pause that refreshes.” Here’s what I’d suggest: Since you asked about my books, I won’t feel too modest to recommend Exhibitionism for the Shy, which includes a couple of chapters on erotic talk plus an appendix full of dirty words for you to use to vary your phone-line patter. We don’t want you to get bored! You might also find the last chapter helpful, which involves talking to partners about adding new kinds of play into your relationship. Now, these guys aren’t your partners, except maybe for a minute, but the actual communication in a sex work negotiation is not so very different from talking to a lover; it’s the emotional connection that is most different. There are also a few more books about phone sex floating around, and any of these might be helpful to you, or at least make you feel like you’re not the only one. I believe Magdalena Meretrix’s guide for sex workers, Turning Pro, includes a phone sex chapter, and that whole book is interesting because Meretrix has done so many different kinds of sex industry work.

Before adding more words, though, I would recommend that you prepare in two specific ways: Augment your collection of fantasies and stories you can tell, and draw out your callers so you get them talking more. If you’re just rapping along in your sexy voice, a caller might go a little too fast because he gets so stimulated. If you’re taking him down a path that makes him curious about how the story will end up, he might stay on the phone longer. As I discuss in Exhibitionism for the Shy, you can watch porn and narrate the plot (if any, ahem!); read erotica and tell the story back to the caller, possibly putting yourself in the lead and using first-person language; or, if you don’t feel it’s too personal, you can tell tales (or fantasies) from your own copious experience. If you don’t feel your experience is copious enough, try checking out Violet Blue’s anthology Taboo or other erotic books that can give you ideas and maybe charge up your own fantasy life.

You might also want to stay attuned to signs that the guy is very aroused, like breathing or vocal changes, and if you get that impression, actually tone down your language a bit... make it a little less explicit, because hot language will make some people come just like that.

The other side of Scheherezade is getting your guy to pipe up, because if he’s talking, he may be a little distracted from his pending orgasm. Not that it won’t be erotic: actually, he’ll enjoy his climax more if he waits longer than the usual three-point-whatever. Aside from that, he’ll be giving you clues to his own fantasies. Listen for those; use the words and scenarios right back at him, and he may prove to be better than just a slow customer, he may turn into a regular.

Good luck! Hey, are there any phone sex-experienced readers out there who want to weigh in with your own tips? I’ll collect them in a future column.

Dear Carol,

I've wanted all my life to be a writer. My PhD in philosophy hasn't been of much help to me professionally, academically (and of course there's no money in it), so I've been dabbling lately in erotica. If you have a moment, would you mind offering some advice on publishing? Where might one begin? Is there an effective strategy for marketing a story or essay?

--Jeffery

Dear Jeffery,

Publishing erotic stories and making money at it are, sadly, two different things, but let’s see what I can do to point you in some interesting directions. I do know a few people who make most of their livings as sex writers (not always just writing erotica; often they supplement doing articles, reviews, and whatever else they can find that pays). I know many more people who get money sometimes but who are first and foremost proud and satisfied to be in print. So perhaps the first question is, can you keep your day job? Because that will give you a wider range of publishing opportunities.

If money is not terribly important, it frees you up in two ways. First, you can go where your own erotic interests take you. Playboy may not be paying top dollar for the sorts of stories you’re penning, but some ‘zine or website devoted to a particular fetish will certainly want compatible material. This really boils down to whether you feel the need to start at the top, or just get started. I wrote for ‘zines that didn’t pay a dime for several years; my first book deal for erotica was from a publisher that came to me, and my first appearance in Best American Erotica was from a story I hadn’t gotten any money for. So there are arguments for starting this way; they’re just not financial ones. The other thing that’s good about this strategy is that you can learn on the hoof and, perhaps, learn real writerly flexibility. When you get into the loop and start hearing about anthologies that are being prepared, you might find yourself writing things you never imagined you would, just for a shot at getting into another book; and that gets you primed to write more broadly than narrowly. That in turn might open new doors for you.

Of course this all presumes you’re writing well, and most of the writer’s tricks of the trade apply to erotica. You have to show us who your characters are and, to be blunt, give us a reason to care whether or not they get laid, and how. There are erotic writers’ workshops in San Francisco and (mostly) other large cities, but they are not terribly common. Susie Bright’s book How to Read and Write a Dirty Story is a good resource.

You might choose to look for an agent, although I know only a few erotic writers who use an agent for story placements. Sex books are pretty big in mainstream publishing now, but that wasn’t always the case, and we never know when the pendulum might swing again. It is at least as good an idea to look at erotic anthologies and see who’s writing and publishing the ones you like, then query them (most have websites by now); check out magazines that might be compatible, and ask for their submission guidelines; and search the web for this, too. Take the time to follow links. Just doing a quick Google search netted me an article by Catherine Lundoff about writing erotic fiction at http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/erotica.shtml. In it she links to several resources, including the Erotic Readers and Writers Association and the Erotic Author's Association; both have websites.

And if you want, you can take the blog by the horns and do your own site. More writers are electing to self-publish this way, and there are arguments for it; but you still may choose, from a marketing perspective, to try to get into anthologies, especially ones with known authors in them, so that the other writers’ fans can find out about you and become your fans also. Good luck! To get you rolling, I’ll put you on my own “Call for Submissions” e-list so you’ll know next time I’m gathering stories for a project. And don’t forget to query the editor at the Good Vibes Magazine, which is open to hearing from new authors at the moment. Which reminds me, some magazines and sites always have open submissions; others close when they get too many. If an editor tells you they’re not accepting stories, ask them when that might change.

One last bottom line: Don’t wait for any of this to bear fruit to devote yourself to your writing. You and any partners you share it with are your most important audience, whether or not you ever hit big and are able to quit your day job. If you’re not enjoying the process and turning yourself on, what’s the point?