Dear Carol,

I am a recent transplant from the West Coast to New York City. Back in California I attended San Francisco’s safe sex parties on more than one occasion, so after meeting a new boyfriend in the Big Apple, I decided to check out the party scene here. But an experience I had last weekend at one club has me pretty freaked out.

I was with my boyfriend and a cute woman we’d met there, getting’ busy. I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob while he was getting to know her better, when all of a sudden I felt a touch down around my genitals… and before I could figure out who it was, a couple of fingers were inside me! It turned out to be some random guy I hadn’t even made eye contact with, and he wasn’t wearing a glove or anything (I’m so trained from San Francisco that at parties you ask and receive permission, and wear gloves for penetration, I don’t know which omission shocked me more).

Well, I tried to get back in the mood, but after things like this happened a few more times, I was just ready to get out of there. And on the way out I talked to a few people and they all said that’s just the way it was, sort of a “What’s the big deal?” attitude not just from the doorman but also other party guests, even women.

I’m not going back again unless I feel like I can be safe, so if you have any suggestions about sex party etiquette, I’d love to hear them. Speaking of safe, do I have anything to worry about that the guy put his fingers inside me?

--Laura

Dear Laura,

I know many folks from New York consider their beautiful town the pinnacle of civilization, but you’ve experienced the flip side of their can-do attitude. It’s my understanding that indeed, Left Coast party etiquette (especially San Francisco’s) emphasizes consent to a much more explicit degree than party games elsewhere. Sexual consent got a lot of press a few years ago with the PR around the “Antioch rules” – students at that college received instructions that they had to ask and receive permission before instigating any sexual act, including a new type of act once you were already in the throes of sex with someone. While many people ridiculed this (“May I touch your arm? May I touch your shoulder? May I touch your right breast? How about your left one?” …Etc.), it also allowed quite a bit of discussion of consent and how problematic it is to be subjected to touch you don’t want.

Evidently this news hasn’t gotten to Big Apple sex clubs. There, people may assume (and really believe) that if someone doesn’t want a touch, or some other sexual advance, that they’ll say so. Trouble is, some people find this much easier to do than others. For every sexual adventurer who’s comfortable giving very explicit direction about what they do and don’t want, there’s another who feels uncomfortable speaking up. Your touchy-feely guy might have honestly believed he was welcome in your triad (on what evidence I can’t imagine, but let’s give him a second of benefit of the doubt). Just as likely, he’s learned to take advantage of the fact that people don’t always shoo him away. In either case, his presumptuousness screwed up your good time, so let’s figure out how you can deal with him (and his many fellows) in the future.

Your tour of duty in San Francisco likely gave you a taste of sexual negotiation. When you and Boyfriend met the new woman you wanted to play with, you probably checked in with her about what you did and didn’t want to do with her. Next time, if you try this again, make it part of your pre-play check-in: “If either of you see anybody start to touch me without asking first, stop them, will you? Or tell me it’s about to happen so I can deal with it.” You can also make it a point of negotiation with your
boyfriend: if you’re going to go out to play with him at all, you want him to “cock block” for you and chase away the rabble. I must note here that “cock blocking” is a rather sexist term; many of the people who cop feels at sex parties are men, but not all of them are, and you may feel just as put off by a gal sneaking a feel as a guy.

Bottom line, unless you are all alone, there’ll be someone who can help you communicate that a touch or an advance is unwanted; feel free to accept the help. At some of these events, it’ll take a village. Feel free to talk to the party organizers, too. Perhaps you can urge them to communicate expectations better to their guests, which may increase the chances that the touchy-feely folks will check in first. But don’t hold your breath that party culture will change, especially not overnight. Finally, I’d suggest schmoozing by the refreshment table and asking other partygoers where else they play, and whether the folkways are any different there.

Now, about your other question: Was that a safer sex hazard? Unfortunately, the answer is yes, or at least probably. Maybe the fella had just washed his hands, in which case all you have to worry about is his manners and his manicure. But if he’d been cruising the party doing the Two-Finger Sneak at every possible opportunity, you just had the pussy molecules of a dozen women put in intimate proximity with your own. If he’d been wanking during the intervals between his finger adventures, you also have his own molecules to worry about: from his semen to any sexually transmitted conditions he might have. Worst-case scenario: he is a copious pre-ejaculator, and you should not only visit an STD clinic for tests, you should also watch that your next period is on time, unless you’re on birth control. Women have gotten pregnant from just pre-come. Other things that could conceivably be transmitted include herpes, genital warts, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV. Not a huge risk from all of these, but some risk does exist.

So: use safer sex with any partners for six months, then get tested. Give the party hosts a lecture next time you visit that club. Get your boyfriend to keep an eye out for people sneaking up on you from behind. And bring him back to San Francisco for a vacation when you get a chance, so he can see how the civilized folks do it.