Dear Carol,

I have a question that has been haunting me for some time, and I can't find a decent answer anywhere. There seems to be no end to the methods and devices available to bolster a man's God-given equipment. Everything from cock rings to Viagra to desensitizing creams aim to improve male stamina. I can understand, from a male point of view that a lot of ego is involved in not being able to "get it up" and keep it up. But as a culture, we like our gadgets. So why aren't men "allowed" to simply "strap it on" when the flesh fails? Do woman find it a lesser sexual experience? Given the choice between the "real thing" and a dildo, is the "real thing" really superior? Is strap-on sex only for lesbians?

It seems like it would be idea for the woman; she could choose the girth, length and texture of her "object of desire" or change it depending on her mood. The guy would not have to worry about being "worn out," "premature" or not being able to "get it up" at all. Best of all, both could enjoy sex for longer periods.

My question may sound a bit like a joke, but I'm quite serious. By the way, as you might guess, this is actually something of a fantasy for me, though I've yet to find a partner that I've felt comfortable about asking. Let's face it; the male refractory period is really a drag. It seems to me that strap-on sex would be a great way to put off ejaculation, extend the time we have for lovemaking and "keep the fire burning" for as long as the woman wants and needs. Or are women simply turned off by the idea of a guy wearing a dildo?

Signed - Seeking Guidance

Dear Seeking,

Whomever gave fellas their equipment, you are so right that all manner of technology has been brought to bear on the, er, ups and downs of the male genitalia – their erections, sensitivity, durability, even size. If all of this had specifically to do with male pleasure I would laud it, because I think pleasure is a fine thing. And certainly some of these products count (at least in part) as pleasure enhancers, whether you buy them from us, a dark store in an edge-of-town strip mall, or from the pharmacist. But there’s a subtext to many, maybe even most, penile technologies: the importance to men of getting it up, getting it big, and getting it to last so that they can better please their partners. Just at look at the crop of spam in your inbox today. Most of the items having to do with hard-on enhancement involve the claim that she’ll want sex, or a relationship with you, IF you take advantage of whatever the spammer is selling that promises bigger-harder-faster-more.

Now, some women do indeed care about these things, and some women may even care about them more than they care about the man attached to the penis. But that isn’t true of most women. Remember all the plaintive letters to “Dear Abby” right after Viagra hit the market? Women who had long since adjusted to cuddly nights with their no-longer-rampant spouses were suddenly faced with intercourse-focused guys again. Not all these women thought that was a good thing. And I’ve talked to many men at Good Vibrations who have convinced themselves that only sex that includes an erection will please their wives.

So should men who don’t get erections when they want them set themselves up with a dildo and harness? Absolutely, if they have a partner (of whatever gender) who values penetration sex and intercourse. There’s one caveat I’d include, though. Some women do indeed view the ups and downs of male erections as a direct comment on their own desirability. That the male in question may want the woman passionately but be unable to show her with a hard penis (at least, not at the drop of a hat) means that women like this are not likely to be pleased by anything but “the real thing.” But they misunderstand the realities of sexual functioning, having bought as big a bill of goods as the guy who thinks only penetration counts as sex.

There are also still some women on the planet who are so shy about toys, and about communicating about sex, that a strap-on might be off-putting. You asked about the point of view of Women on this issue, and of course not all women prefer the same things. More important is wondering about the flexibility and erotic priorities of the woman or women in your life. (I am reading your question with the assumption that you are a male who would be open to this kind of play with female partners – apologies if I have read you wrong.) Women who already play with toys might be great candidates for strap-on play; bisexual women might have already had strap-on experience with other women and not be afraid of doing it with you; woman who really like you and just want to have fun during erotic playtime may be flexible about this too, and kinky women may think nothing of adding a new kind of toy to the mix.

I have recommended this to countless customers shopping for cock rings, pumps, and stay-hard creams. Good Vibrations does not even sell, and I absolutely do not recommend, the latter – because they tend to work (if they work at all) by desensitizing the penis, which equals less pleasure. It’s almost as if some guys are willing to let their dicks be equivalent to dildos anyway – so leave the cream off and play with the penis as is, adding as many toys as make both partners happy. That’s my two cents’ worth. But it will not please everyone – as you’ve no doubt noticed in life, pretty much nothing pleases everyone.

Underlying your question, really, is the question that we deal with every day at Good Vibes: What does sex mean to you (or your partner/s), and how flexible and creative are you willing to be in seeking sexual pleasure? No matter what kind of sex you like, that’s the bottom line, and if you can seek out partners who are open to this sort of creativity, the sky’s the limit.