| Dear Carol, I’d like to get my partner to engage in some sexual play that neither of us has done before, and I’m not sure how to pose the question, or proposition, or whatever it is. I have always been intrigued and turned on by mentions of S/M in books or hints of it in porno I know it is something I would like to do, but I am scared witless that my partner won’t agree at all! And if she does, then the problem is, I’m really not sure what to do next. I have considered going to visit a dominatrix I live in a city, and I know there are some of them out there but I think my partner would really see that as a betrayal of our relationship, and that’s the last thing I want. What’s a newcomer to the scene to do? Do you have any advice for me, or for us? --Novice and Nervous Dear N & N, If you have desires you’d like to act upon with your partner, the first thing to do, of course, is to bring them up. Occasionally people get away with subtle hints get your partner to get on top while you’re having sex, stretch your arms above your head like you’re in bondage, and bliss out so obviously that your partner gets the hint that you’re up for something kinky and I suppose that’s worth a try, but even if she responds well to it, you’ll still have to decide what else you want to do. In short, especially with SM, you’ll have to be able to converse about what you want, and probably sooner as opposed to later. So go for it! There’s a whole chapter about talking to partners in my book Exhibitionism for the Shy (and in fact you and your partner might find the chapter on roles and personas useful, too). But even before you get to the point of conversation, try an exercise that might help you decide what exactly to talk about and negotiate for: the Three Lists. SM (these days, often called BDSM instead) is a catch-all term for many different kinds of play. Some are based on physical intensity, some on bondage and restraint, some on erotic power exchange and roleplay. Your responses to erotica, and your fantasies, might be very wide-rangingly kinky, or focused and specific you don’t specify in your letter what you want to do, nor even whether you want to be the top (the do-er) or the bottom (the do-ee). So before you get into a conversation with your lover muddled up by your own uncertainly and inexperience, make three lists: one of things you know you like or are sure you’d like to try; one of things you might want to do; and one of those things that you know you aren’t interested in. After you’ve talked to your partner about wanting to try some things, have her make a list like that also. The lists clarify what’s most important to you erotically, and also what your limits are so obviously, when you’ve made your list and she’s made hers, the first order of business is figuring out what matches up. Even if there are things on your Yes list that are on her No list, look for the Yeses and Maybes that you share. You’ve been fantasizing about this for a while, so you know what goes on your list. If SM is really off your partner’s radar, she might want to read some erotica you’ve liked, or watch some of the porn that’s gotten you going or you can read and watch together, so you can say, “See, that part, that is so hot for me!” If she’s heard lots of scary or unflattering stereotypes about SM, she may also need some education and you, too, would probably benefit from more information than you can get from porn. Below I’ve included a list of books I think are especially good, most of which are available at Good Vibrations. And if you’re not bookish types, Whipsmart is a great video designed for your exact situation it’s for couples who are just learning about SM. You can rent or buy it through the Good Vibes website. Despite what you see in porn, where partner communication out of role is rarely shown, most people who play SM agree ahead of time what they do and don’t want, in a process called negotiation. Each person’s desires and limits can be taken into account. So even if neither of you knows exactly what to do, if you can come up with some activities and scenarios you’d like to try, you can always explore together, learning from what works and even from what doesn’t. Most couples use a “safeword,” a word or phrase that wouldn’t come up even in an intense roleplay situation. Say she’s tied you to the (metaphoric) railroad tracks like Little Nell you might find that you want to cry for help, and beg her to stop and untie you, and it’s all part of the fun of the role you’re pretending to be captured and helpless. But if you get a cramp in your right calf, you might really want to be let up. The safeword allows for both you can enjoy your fantasy and emote all you want, but when you really want to stop, you can say “red” (as in “red light”) or “Chrysanthemum” or whatever you and your partner decide would be a good word to use. Both the bottom and the top can use a safeword it’s not just for the person who’s tied up or being spanked or whatever else you decide to do. It’s also useful if the spanker’s arm gets too tired, the phone rings and you want to get it… really, for any reason either partner needs to stop or take a break. This is a different way of looking at sex than most of us have been taught, which is desire-driven: sex is “natural,” you know when it starts and stops, and you can’t or shouldn’t stop it in the middle. But really erotic exploration between two people can take any shape they come up with. What’s important in your exploration of SM is what you both want, don’t want, and are willing to check out. While you’re telling your partner that you have a fantasy you’d really like to turn into reality with her, make sure you ask her if there are any fantasies she’d like to explore with you. Who knows, the two of you might keep each other busy until the end of time. Finally, once you’ve had the conversation, if she’s at all amenable, check around your city to see if there are any SM-oriented social or play groups. Often these organizations sponsor workshops, so you can learn technique as well as meet more experienced people in the scene. Most of the books below will have resource lists that can help you find such clubs. Recommended Reading:
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