Dear Carol,

I saw the letter from the young fellow who was concerned about his masturbation habits and really felt for him. I, too, have a masturbation-related question, but it’s very different. Here’s mine: How do I get my girlfriend to let me be in the room (ideally, in the bed) with her when she masturbates? I want this for two reasons, at least one of them very healthy, I think. Well, I do think it would be quite a turn-on. I’ve seen a few women’s masturbation videos and liked them very much. But perhaps more importantly, I would like to be able to please her better, and I think if I could see the way she pleases herself, that would go a long way toward teaching me how to be a perfect lover for her. I have brought this up once but she did not seem willing, and I let it go. However, if there’s a way to get around whatever the source is of her resistance, I’d certainly love it, and I’d be obliged for any thoughts you have.

--She’s Beautiful

Dear SB,

It’s a lost cause to try to get a partner to do something s/he doesn’t want to do – the peer pressure of love, whether it’s expressed as nagging or as a loving yet repetitive request, will likely strengthen barriers instead of making them fall. If anything, this is truer in bed then it is in the bathroom, where many of us have to negotiate toilet seat placement, toothpaste caps, tissue over or under the roll, and fuzz in the sink. I think this has something to do with how open we already are with a lover – our boundaries are already somewhat (if not very) down, and sometimes sexual requests just make people dig in their heels in stubbornness – or, more often, in fear.

This does not mean you’ll never see your girlfriend masturbate, and I am happy to see that you have a nice salutary reason for wanting to do so – though in my book, wanting to watch your lover and appreciate her sexiness is just as healthy as wanting to learn her private sexual secrets. But encouraging her to open up this way will need to be done with real respect for her limits.

In Exhibitionism for the Shy I start out by telling readers that exhibitionistic, show-offy acts are best engaged in by people who want to do them – in other words, if she can find a reason that speaks to her own eroticism, not just your desire, she’ll be much likely to let you watch. One of the beginning exercises in Ex for Shy is to imagine your lover watching while you masturbate, and an intermediate one involves actually doing it while s/he’s in the room – but blindfolded or with back turned. Alternatively, the shy one can let her (or his) lover brazenly stare – but be blindfolded herself, so as not to be inhibited by seeing those wide eyes. Keeping one’s eyes open comes later.

Maybe your lover’s reticence comes from performance anxiety, and maybe one of these strategies will sound appealing. The book is one long pep talk for people who would like to overcome sexual shyness, so perhaps she would get some support from that source. Is she exhibitionistic in other ways? Does she dress up, appreciate attention when she does, like to be complimented about how lovely and sexy she is? You might ratchet up the compliments during sex, reassure her that you find her ravishingly hot. (If she shrinks from compliments even when she’s wearing a new pair of shoes, on the other hand, you have your work cut out for you – and erotically-charged compliments might make her feel even more self-conscious.)

Many partners desire to watch but don’t consider they might also put on a show, and one of the ways some couples overcome this performance anxiety thing is to masturbate together. Get side by side or (if she’s willing to stretch into boldness) at opposite ends of the bed. Do everything you can to make your room a sexy haven – nice clean sheets, lights down low (maybe she’ll okay you to turn them up later, but start with candlelight or the rheostat). Make sure the room smells nice – set it up, as the Tantra practitioners would say, so it’s your erotic temple. Then show each other how you like it. It might be easier for her, if she’s shy, to think of it that way, compared to “put on a hot and horny show for each other”! One the other hand, if she finds she likes it, that may be what it becomes.

Many women don’t think of themselves as voyeurs. They don’t get encouraged to watch erotic material and think it’s all for men. Women like this are sometimes amazed to find that they actually like to watch. So give her a chance to focus on you at the same time as you focus on her.

If none of this cuts any ice with your partner – even hearing that you want to be a perfect lover – you can always tune in to more masturbation movies. Maybe she’d be willing to watch a couple with you so she can see what you so appreciate. A great series for this purpose would be Dorrie Lane’s “Masturbation Memoirs,” since it includes footage of the women discussing masturbation and their feelings about it, not just doing it. This might lead to a really intimate discussion about masturbation and her own history – remember, whatever she says, respect it. If an explicit tape is too much for her, watch Joani Blank’s “Faces of Ecstasy.” (She’s just re-made it with the Libido Films folks, so watch for an updated version, also with interviews about masturbation.) In this video you see people masturbating – but just their faces. It’s a wonderful, sexy, yet non-genital look at self-pleasure.