Dear Carol,

I want to host a safer sex party in my town, since I’m not in San Francisco any more. Can you give me the basic information I will need to do that? I hope to invite at least ten or fifteen people. Is that enough? Should I hold it in my home?

--Nava

Dear Nava,

You don’t say what town you’re in, and that might affect to some extent how you should proceed with your party. But I’ll give you a starter course and you can edit as necessary for your current location. In some places, activities such as this might be considered illegal (for instance, many locales have “bawdy house” laws, which a sex party might be considered). It might be a good idea to discreetly get some information about how your local laws might affect your party plans.

Ten or a few more people can be enough to make a nice, intimate party. If you know your guests and think you have enough room to accommodate them, by all means have the event at your home. Here’s another couple of questions to ask before you make that decision, though. Will some of the attendees (perhaps guests brought by the people you invite) be unknown to you? The more strangers you are inviting, the more you might want to consider a different venue, or at least consider how you will make sure your guests belongings (and your own) are secure. You might also consider a location away from home if your place is easily observed, or activities there overheard, by neighbors, and this is especially true if you live in a small town. Things that happen in urban areas often go largely unremarked, but small town culture can be based on information-sharing, and you may want to keep your event quiet. If you don’t hold the party in a private home, you can sometimes find an accommodating hotel suite. I have heard of this sort of gathering happening successfully in a bed and breakfast inn, too – but of course you will want to pick one with a consenting innkeeper. Some of our San Francisco parties are held in spaces like art or performance galleries.

Consider your mix of guests and try to get a compatible group together. A safe sex party can be something like a swing party, especially if your guests are mostly heterosexual or bisexual; in any case, you want to ensure that both members of any couples who attend want to be there. (A notorious problem in beginning-to-swing circles comes when one member of the couple has pressured the other to attend. Sex parties of all kinds work better when all guests want to be at the party for their own erotic possibilities, and you definitely don’t want to host a couple who picks the middle of the party to have a fight about whether they’re ready to try non-monogamy.)

Does that mean all guests should be strangers to each other? Maybe, but the wonderful thing about having a party where some of the guests have already been intimate with each other is that those people may be the quickest to get into it. You might want to have some ice-breaker games ready to help get people’s nerve up (I’ll suggest a couple below), but just one exhibitionistic couple can actually get everybody going, just by their erotic example. Perhaps you have a partner and can fill that role yourself, but as host you may find that you have less time to party than anyone else!

Of course you will need to think about host-like issues ahead of time: Put clean sheets on the beds, have a lot of towels available, throw coverlets over any sofas or chairs that people may decide to use for trysting. You want memories to remind you of this, not spots on the upholstery. If you have chosen a location with few beds, you may want to put mats on the floor to make more recline-friendly spots. Those will need clean sheets too. (If you’re running out of sheets, go to Goodwill or another place where you can get inexpensive second-hand linens. It doesn’t matter if they match – unless you plan to invite Martha Stewart.)

You’ll also want to get safe sex supplies: condoms, gloves in at least two sizes, plastic wrap if you are going to ask your guests to use barriers for oral sex, and lubricant. You might want to offer mouthwash and little cups in the bathroom. Make sure your first aid kit is stocked and fire extinguishers are up to date. Don’t forget extra toilet paper, and you may want to put paper towels in the washroom as well as in the rooms where you expect people to play. Anti-bacterial wipes are good in the playspaces, too, and make sure to have wastebaskets (paper bags will work) for used condoms and other refuse. I do not recommend serving much, if any, alcohol at a sex party (people who are a bit nervous can use this as an excuse to over-indulge), but have plenty of other drinks on hand, and offering snacks is a good idea – you will seem an especially gracious host, and having something to nibble on keeps your guests’ energy high. Watch out for messy snacks as well as foods that give people bad breath (no tzatziki or caviar!), and put mints on the table too. Play sexy music, and unless you want to be constantly running to the CD player, it’s good to choose your tunes and make tapes in advance.

Set an arrival time and after a certain point (which you have let your guests know in advance), shut the door. Your guests won’t be able to relax and use up all those condoms if the doorbell keeps ringing. I recommend making everyone get out of their street clothes and into erotic garb. Make a secure location for their clothes and belongings. Once all your guests are gathered, let everyone you’re your safe sex rules and other house basics – make sure everyone knows what sort of behavior is expected of them. Couples will often argue that they don’t need to use safer sex, but you can remind them that at this event, they are a part of a group and expected to behave the way the larger group does. You might even write up your rules and get people to sign off on them as they arrive at the gathering.

Unless your guests are rarin’ to go and need no urging, this is a good time for ice-breakers. I have attended parties where men and women were separated and could check in together after they’d had a single-sex orientation, but I didn’t care for this strategy. Better is a gathering of everyone attending, at which people can introduce themselves and tell the rest of the group if they have any particular desires or limits. This is a great way for each person to ask for what they want – they just might find their wish coming true, if other party-goers know what it is! This does not remove the need for people to get consent with new partners or before performing new activities, but before the party gets cooking it’s a good way for the participants to learn more about each other and feel that they are more connected and intimate with each other.

Another lovely icebreaker, if guests like the idea, is to break into a few small groups of three to six people, choose one person to be “it,” and sensuously touch that person. The person who’s “it” gets to make sure her or his limits and desires are known and respected (“Only touch me above the waist, please,” or “Make sure you are wearing a glove if you penetrate me” or “I want one of you to kiss me”). This kind of play gets everyone involved. Before you know it, you have a party going on.