Dear Carol,

Can you give me any suggestions about why a woman might hate semen? I have been working with a client who is genuinely averse to is, just hates the thought of it coming into contact with her. She identifies as heterosexual and says she has no history of sexual abuse. Her aversion to semen seems psychological. She has no physical irritation or pain. I've certainly had a few male sexual partners who liked to wipe it up and get rid of it as soon as possible. Their complaint was the "sticky mess and coagulating texture." But I have not encountered this kind of aversion in a female and hoped you could give me your thoughts.
--Care Provider

Dear CP,

First, I'd try to get as much information out of her as possible re: her associations with semen -- *why* she doesn't like it. Is it, as your male semen-phobes professed, a dislike of its physical properties? Many women do have something of an aversion to the notorious "wet spot," especially when *they* have to sleep in it. Or they dislike semen's smell or taste -- a rather simple negative preference, like deciding not to eat raw oysters. (In fact, depending on whom you ask, it's a *lot* like raw oysters!)

But a very strong aversion has probably got something more to it than that, especially if she is still painfully averse even when she is not being called upon to taste it. It's entirely possible to have heterosexual sex and come in little contact with semen, although it helps a lot, of course, if the couple uses condoms. (The "female" condom, whose rather surreal brand name is Reality, will help her isolate herself from semen just as male condoms will, though she will need to learn in what positions the semen may tend to leak -- it takes a little practice to master Reality's use. See what I mean about that being a surreal name?) Short of your client finding a man who has mastered Tantra and does not ejaculate -- and there *are* some guys like that out there, although perhaps not in your neck of the woods -- she may be better-served trying to get to the bottom of her semen-phobia. If there is a good sex therapist in your area, I would suggest a session or a few. This sort of phobia *can* be consistent with a history of sexual abuse, so I would, in working with her, stay alert to that possibility, even though she has told you it isn't part of her history. I'm not saying I think that's probable -- just that it would be a logical explanation. As such, I would strongly recommend you *not* refer her to the sort of therapist who is prone to seeing evidence of sexual abuse where none exists. Sex can be traumatic enough in this culture without rape or molestation being part of it.

What do I mean? Well, if she comes from a family in which sex was considered dirty or especially problematic, these negative attitudes could possibly have been distilled, so to speak, into semen. Young women who have been inordinately afraid of being pregnant might displace that fear onto semen -- especially in such a family, where a climate of perceived or real violence might also be associated with the idea of coming home after getting "knocked up." In fact, fear of semen in such a context isn't really a displacement at all! Fear of sexually transmitted conditions might also be reflected in fear of semen.

It's also conceivable that your client might have been exposed to, ahem, "in-your-face" porn -- the kind where semen is everywhere, including up people's noses. Now, some viewers eroticize this -- including some women. But plenty of women think it looks pretty unappetizing, and if she has a subconscious notion of a penis as a sort of out-of-control hose, spraying gunk that screws up her hairdo, she might want nothing to do with it. Male ejaculation may well seem pretty out of control for a women who has never been encouraged or inclined to take matters into her own hands, so to speak, and take charge in sex.

When you get right down to it, even absent any real trauma, this culture and its sex education doesn't try to debunk that venerable slumber party attitude about messy sex: "EEEWWWWW!!" She may simply have internalized this attitude before she got any other messages about sex being fun, ejaculation being hot, or what-have-you.

Finally, there exists a slight possibility that she is allergic to semen, maybe not enough to show symptoms. Itching, redness, and swelling after intercourse would be the most common of these, since semen contains protein, and like any protein, it can trigger allergic response or sensitivity in those susceptible to it. This is pretty rare, but not unheard-of. If that were the case, her aversion could have an actual physiological basis, even if it's so slight as to be undiagnosed.

What should she do about all this? Exploring the messages and beliefs underlying her aversion would be a good place to start. Some people are not inclined to try to figure such things out on their own -- instead of wondering why they feel that way, they just figure it's a given. So, with you or a sex therapist, this sort of inquiry might bear fruit. Condom use will keep the semen contained, which she may find helpful. And if she doesn't have a lot of Tantra-practicing guys to choose from but *does* have one guy at home who's willing to try to learn some new tricks, she might want to get him a copy of _The Multi-Orgasmic Man_ or some other books about Taoist erotic technique, which teaches men to withhold ejaculation but still have orgasms. This might open a whole new world of pleasure for her *and* her partner. And finally, she may find that taking some control over the semen machine helps her overcome the Ick Factor. No, I don't mean tying it up so it can't get loose (though many people think that's fun, too) -- I mean taking the initiative, doing erotic massage and hand jobs, making the ejaculation happen when *she* wants it and when she feels ready for it. I wouldn't recommend that without an examination of her attitudes and beliefs about sex, penises, and semen. But it could be part of a plan to help her get beyond her aversion -- and if that aversion is affecting her ability to be carefree and intimate in sex with partners, she may well want to be rid of it.