Dear Queen of Hearts

I am a woman in a long-term relationship with “the right man.” I love him very much and hope to stay with him always. Here’s the issue. I am bisexual, and over the years I have begun to feel more and more deeply that I miss connecting with women in an erotic way in fact that I can’t wait until the next life to do it again! I have talked to my love about this in general terms. Nothing specific, nothing “I want to do this soon.” But I do! Do you have any advice for me?

--Miss Those Curves

Hi Carol,

My wife and I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 4 years, and I have decided to spring the news to her lately that I would like to pursue polyamory. The news has made her weary-but-curious. Do you know anyone out there that has been in my situation that can offer a bit of advice as to how I may go about easing into the lifestyle without feeling that I'm coercing my wife? I really don't want us to separate, but I can't go on living my life in the lie that pure monogamy is satisfying. My wife has been aware of my 'slut-nature' since the very beginning, but she never thought that I would really get serious about it. We’re also interested in going to play parties, though my wife has no direct interest in the lifestyle -- but she's curious about what there is to experience (at least as a spectator).

-- André

Dear Miss, dear André,

You’re not in the same boat, but close enough that I think I can answer you together without doing either of you a disservice. The biggest difference between you isn’t one of sexual orientation it’s that MTC hadn’t talked to her partner yet in real-life terms, so her negotiation isn’t as advanced as André’s. On the other hand, maybe her perfect man will be more comfortable from the get-go than André’s wife. I’d recommend a wonderful book to both of you that will address both your own feelings about wanting to open your relationships, and also the negotiation that will help you do it, plus follow-up issues: ethics, jealousy, making the right choices for your other relationships, and more. It’s The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, and I couldn’t recommend it more highly. Another couple of books you might find useful: Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Deborah Anapol, and Lesbian Polyamory by Celeste West. True, neither of you is a lesbian, but West is a wry and insightful commentator on sex and love, and you might just find a gem of insight in her book that’ll make it all work for you. Wanting to be comfortably and happily non-monogamous is, after all, a relationship decision or strategy that crosses lines of sexual orientation, though gender and orientation might certainly play a role in how you do it, the kinds of connections you establish with partners, etc.

The most useful insight of Anapol’s, I find, is the notion that people have “relationship orientations” just as they have sexual orientations. Maybe, like bisexuality itself often is, these are flexible: they may change with one or another partner, or at different times of your life; maybe, like André’s, they are deeply-rooted “slut natures” that resist long-term monogamy. In any case, “It’s the mixed marriages that get into trouble,” and another difference between the two of you is that André already knows he’s in such a mixed marriage unless his wife can gradually get comfortable with some form of non-monogamy. MTC’s partner may turn out to be very comfortable with the idea that she wants to open their relationship enough to allow her some erotic time with women or it may feel quite threatening. MTC, you probably already have some inkling about this, since you have been talking to him in general terms. The next step will be to approach him about his real-time feelings and the possibilities you might craft together.

Here are some possibilities for both of you, and your partners, to consider. I suspect the most common way for couples to open up to erotic variety of the multiple-partner sort is by arranging the time-honored threesome. This keeps your play private (unless your third partner is a blabbermouth), often home-based, and typically requires that both of you agree on someone to play with. This can be easier said than done. In a three-way it is imperative that the partner who’s less comfortable be given a lot of attention and care by the one who’s more eager to play. This is not a time to leave your long-time lover on one side of the bed while you revel in new sights and smells a recipe for jealousy, hurt feelings, or worse. It can actually help if you make your lover the focus, not the new play partner. And frankly, this is a type of play at which I think bisexual people may excel. They may be more likely to eroticize everybody in the bed; they may be more likely to understand how it feels to have a dual erotic focus. Not all bi people are into threesomes or any other form of non-monogamy, of course. But André, if your wife is at all bi-curious, encourage and support her in it; among other things, it means she, too, can actively keep an eye out for play partners for you both. (And if you have a bi side too, so much the better!)

How to find partners appropriate for threesomes? Many people use internet or alternative newspaper classified ads. Some find play partners among their friends, or at social occasions where they’re meeting new people. (It can be a lot easier to cruise and approach a new friend than break the news to an old friend that you’d like to take them to bed. This often alters friendships sometimes for the better, but not always. A question to ask: Would you and/or your partner feel more comfortable with the added intimacy of an existing friendship, or would that feel like an inhibiting factor?)

Another variation on this idea is the play party, where you can find someone and either play on the premises, or go somewhere else. This is much quicker than going through your rolodex of likely threesome-happy friends, or placing an ad that might not get a reply for days or weeks. Most of the people there will already be comfortable with the idea of play. You can play together, or you can split up and each play with others. Hint: It is quite important for the less-eager partner to enjoy her/himself when you conduct such an experiment. Do not just drop them off at the door and plunge into the naked, writhing crowd. Help them get comfortable and interested in playing. And decide on your limits and comfort zone in advance, to the degree that you can. This can be as emotionally intense as an SM scene, so you might want to establish a word or signal that means, “I’m having a hard time here, I need you to connect with me.” Swing parties are good venues for bisexual women, though not so much for bi men; there are other types of play party that are more pansexual, though these are not as common as swing parties.

You might also elect to leave your partners out of it when you go play. You might agree to open playtime, with or without the clause that you share info about what you did and with whom you did it some partners feel safer with an after-the-fact report, others don’t want to know. Do make yourselves clear about limits ahead of time, though get your safe sex agreements in order, decide whether a new partner could become a regular part of your life, discuss how you will handle jealousy and whether the partner who stays home has veto power. Do all this explicitly, and then honor your commitments. If you’re not going to do that, you might as well be sneaking around to begin with.

For some reluctant or virgin polyamorists, it’s easier to know the new partner and feel you can trust her or him “I’d be jealous if my lover just went out looking for sex, but I know his/her other lover and feel comfortable with him/her.” For others, it’s hard even to know who the other person is. Warning: The more uncomfortable your partner is, the harder it will be to maintain trust and avoid jealous outbreaks. To make it work under these circumstances, you will need to be scrupulously clear and trustworthy. I don’t want to mislead you: Polyamory is infinitely easier when both partners want it. Many a partner has reluctantly said yes to it because s/he wanted to keep a relationship alive. That’s actually not a great reason to agree, however; unless someone open-heartedly embraces the idea of an open relationship, saying a less-than-honest “Yes” can be a set-up for resentment and future difficulty.

After you’ve read Easton and Liszt’s book, share it with your partners, then have a really honest talk about whether you can find a version of open relationship that will give both parties what you need. You may find the resources section gives you some ideas for further support where you are polyamory support groups and organizations are beginning to crop up here and there. Good luck.