Hi!
I came to know u through the net. I am basically from India and I am 22 years old. I am married for the past one year and I have a problem. Myself and my husband had sexual relationship which meant only breaking of the hymen but whenever he tries to insert it I cry out of pain and stop him from it. I really do not know how to overcome this problem. Kindly help me please.
--R.

Dear R.,
The two most likely reasons for this experience are that you are insufficiently aroused when your husband tries to enter your vagina, or that you have some sort of pain disorder or physical problem that might hinder this even if you are aroused. In many women's lives, these two factors operate together -- past discomfort with penetration breeds present discomfort and pain, and the expectation of painful penetration gets in the way of future arousal. I will give you some information first about arousal and then next week I will break out some of the types of pain disorder you might be experiencing.

Particularly at the beginning of their sexual lives, before their bodies have really had the experience of full arousal, orgasm, and penetration, women need to be quite turned on before penetration is attempted. Some have very free access to their own sexual feelings from a young age and become easily aroused, and other women do not -- the latter have to take some time before they are ready, and they often need a real sense of trust and comfort. If your husband has been going too fast for you, your body may not trust him, even if you would like to do so emotionally.

Every woman is different in the mix of factors that arouse her the most. Here are many common elements of arousal -- you and your husband may want to explore these, if you have not already done so. In any case, I suspect he needs to take more time in lovemaking before starting intercourse. Touch is very important to most women: often a woman will want to be touched and caressed all over, not just on the sexually charged points of her body like breasts, vulva, and clitoris. (These points, though, should not be ignored!) This touch can be very light or quite firm; different women prefer different styles, or may want light touch at first that proceeds to firmer touch as arousal builds. A sensation that would feel unerotic, even painful, without arousal -- like a bite -- often feels glorious once a woman is turned on; your husband should understand that, regardless of his own arousal level, he may need to be gentle and slow with you before being fully passionate. Kissing is a specialized version of touch that many women find extremely erotic. The lips have a very high concentration of nerve endings, so they can transmit a lot of sensation.

As arousal builds, a change in the rate of breathing can be observed -- many women's breath will deepen or quicken -- and sometimes it helps with arousal to make sure you are breathing fully. When we are nervous or afraid we tend to hold our breath, and given your experience with painful sex, I would expect that you would go into each embrace with your husband experiencing some fear. Try to relax through breathing; it may help.

Fantasy is also an element of arousal that is central for many women, although this word conjures up the idea of a mental screenplay or narrative, and many women don't fantasize this way. Instead they simply let erotic images fill their minds, and this could be almost any sort of image, from biting into sensuously juicy fruit to floating on warm, fragrant water to being ravished by a stranger. If such erotic thoughts sometimes flood your mind when you are alone, try allowing them to do so when you are with your partner. If not, try letting your mind wander as you explore what you might find erotic. Sometimes stories and movies can help you do this. Fantasies can be more or less romantic or graphic, and sometimes they are not visual at all, but more auditory or sensate, as when you imagine an unseen hand touching you.

Genital touch is irritating for many women when it is too direct -- a poke rather than a caress -- and also when the touch is dry. If you have access to it, try lubricant to make your vulva and clitoris slippery and to ease vaginal penetration. If you can't get commercial lube, even saliva is better than nothing at all. If your entire problem is lack of physical arousal (hence a dry vagina), using lubrication may change your experience very much for the better. I would not recommend its use as a *substitute* for physical arousal -- but it is a big help when none exists and can make even fully aroused penetration more pleasurable, especially if you are one of those women who can get very turned on but does not produce much vaginal lubrication. Hormone differences, among other factors, will affect how wet you get even when fully turned on.

It is possible that neither you nor your husband has had much access to sex information, and I would urge you to try to educate yourselves as much as possible. Books and websites may help a lot; look at www.goodvibes.com for starters (and you can order lube there, too). Sometimes couples in your situation will see a doctor who specializes in sexual functioning, not just for a check-up for you, but for education for you both. You might have access to a sex therapist, with whom you could work for a few sessions and learn some facts and techniques. Also, many women have found success in learning to stimulate and arouse themselves, either using sex toys (like a vibrator) or just with their hands or a stream of water. You can learn comfort with vaginal penetration yourself, using a dildo or even just your own fingers. Doing this may serve two purposes. First, you will teach your body that arousal is possible, and it actually creates neural pathways that will make future arousal easier. Second, you can learn things about your own functioning that you can then share with your husband, so he will know better how to touch, stimulate, and please you.

It is possible to experience pain-free vaginal penetration -- in fact, it is possible to experience great pleasure from this activity, but without physical arousal and emotional willingness, the pleasure will elude you. You must begin to learn something about your own body so you can give your husband the right signals -- and he must respect and use this information.

Next week I'll finish answering you, addressing the question of pain disorders and also suggesting more websites where you and your husband can learn more about sexual functioning and erotic possibility.