Dear Carol [Advice Guru Lady] -
I just lost my virginity about two weeks ago and I didn't bleed and it didn't hurt too bad. In fact, days after I felt no soreness or pain. Anyways, my boyfriend and I have had sex many more times since then but now for some unknown reason (one I'm hoping you'll be able to explain) I have the feeling like I have to pee all the time. And when I rush to the throne----nothing; however when there is 'something' it starts almost burning once I'm almost finished. And then for some unlinked reason my left eye starts tearing -- I'm sure that has nothing to with the latter-but I find it a comical detail!
So, I'm not sure exactly what is going on with me, but I hope you may be able to bless me with some kind of insight or thought that may allow me to sit comfortably without having to cross my legs and rush to the bathroom!
--Really Gotta Go

Dear RGG,

This sounds like it might be that bane of women who fuck -- cystitis, a.k.a. "honeymoon cystitis," a.k.a. a bladder infection. While I'm not an MD and I can't diagnose anything like this sight unseen, I'd recommend you get in to see a doc. Any women's clinic or alternative clinic will know all about this affliction and be able to prescribe you something to knock it out, if you don't have regular health care. If you don't do this, it can proceed to a very, very painful state.

Cystitis isn't a sexually transmitted condition per se. Instead, it's the result of a little design problem. The female genitals, as you know, are pretty action-packed -- vagina, vulva, clitoris and urethra are all right there in a small amount of space. The good news is, once you get them working together, their sensory effects are synergistic -- all those nerve endings, when they learn to play together, are capable of making sex a fine thing indeed. But the female vagina is naturally inhabited by helpful organisms that aren't so helpful when they decide to crawl up the urethra into the bladder, and the in-out, in-out motion, stretching, and wetness of intercourse really helps them make that crawl. The nickname "honeymoon cystitis" was coined, probably by some snarky MD way back when, to describe the reality: Lots of women get this condition after one or many vigorous, often long-lasting bouts of intercourse, usually after they haven't had intercourse for a while (or ever before). Dildo play or fisting can also be culprits.

You wrote to me at the stage at which you might have had a chance to turn this condition around yourself; the interval between that letter and me getting my mail may have given the bugs enough time to wreak havoc, or maybe your body handled them on its own. (I hope so -- I've been there, and I wouldn't wish this condition on anyone.) But for the future, remember this: Acidic urine is the enemy of cystitis, and it's easy to make your pee more acid by drinking cranberry juice. Lots of it, ideally not the sweetened kind. Also drink tons of water when you begin to feel this way, and even if you're engaged in a long, sweet fuck session, take time to drink water and to pee when you need to. This can actually sweep the traveling bugs right back out of the urethra, and is the easiest preventive measure for cystitis. Finally, this may not apply to you, but there is some indication that using a diaphragm may make a woman more likely to contract cystitis, presumably because of the pressure on the urethra from inside the vagina. Did the nice Student Health doc tell me this when he prescribed my first diaphragm, back when pterodactyls flew? No, he did not, and over the ensuing fifteen years no one else did, either, until I ended up in the emergency room with an evil weekend case of cystitis. I started using my diaphragm for a safer purpose -- as a rain hat for my cat -- and switched to condoms.

By the way, this condition does not afflict women only. Men can get it, too, but they don't get it as readily, because the male urethra is ordinarily quite a bit longer than the female's, and the bugs have a tougher journey getting all the way up to the bladder before the guy takes a piss and sweeps them away. And finally, while the tearing eye may not be a complete coincidence -- our amazing nerves can play interesting tricks -- it's not a classic symptom of cystitis.