Dear Carol,

I have a couple of questions about different kinds of sex toys. I love playing with toys alone and with my partner, and I have shopped at Good Vibrations for years. However, I am unclear about a couple of things. Hope you can clarify! First: Does the Fireman's Pump really pump? Does it have enough suction power to actually hold air and create an enlargement or does it just suck and release? One of your staff members thought it was more sensation than suction. The safety precautions for using the other kind of pump make me nervous and I thought using the Fireman's Pump might ease my mind, but what will it do for my penis? Second: Are waterproof vibrators better for women who ejaculate? My partner does, and she has always been a bit hesitant about using vibrators because she's worried about the wetness factor. What do you think?

--Curious at Playtime

Dear CaP,

Even in the delicious throes of adult play, you are going for optimum safety with your toys. Bravo! Lots of folks put interesting but inappropriate things into their orifices, you know, and then have to go to the emergency room to get them taken out.

The Fireman's Pump is a plastic cylinder attached to a squeeze bulb. It has a rubber sleeve over the opening, so that when a guy inserts his penis into the cylinder, he gets something like an air seal around the base. The bulb is then squeezed, and this creates a mild suction inside the tube. It's a gentler version of the kind of penis pump available especially at toy stores devoted to playtime gear for gay men (Good Vibrations carries one too, from the San Francisco Pump Works). Instead of using novelty-grade plastic parts, this stronger pump uses industrial-strength components and provides far stronger suction. (Why is the gentler one called a Fireman's Pump? Really, the ways of the sex toy industry are often very inscrutable. I believe it's because the thing is red.)

The safety precautions to which CaP refers were developed to guide the penis-pumping masses against overuse of their pumps (and hence, I suppose, their penises). The substantial suction of the strong pumps can facilitate certain kinds of damage -- in the short run, capillary breakage can result from its strong pressure, while in the long run, presumably-permanent tissue changes may occur that, among other things, will make a guy's erections softer. This sort of potential damage goes hand in hand with any penis-enlarging effects the pump causes -- some men use these gizmos specifically for enlargement, but this goal can really lead to overuse and to the problematic effects I just mentioned. (I've seen the results of one guy's assiduous pumping that led to the softer tissue of his urethra being essentially sucked out: looks like warts on he end of his penis, but isn't. Everybody chorus: Ewwww! And guys, feel free to cross your legs in empathy.) Furthermore, not all men's penises enlarge in the first place, making pump use for this reason a gamble.

So, fellows: Be careful! I (and Good Vibes) don't recommend using pumps for enlargement at all, but as sensation devices only. The stronger pumps will provide sensation, all right -- the feeling of suction, which, as we know from the popularity of oral sex, is highly sought by many -- and the Fireman's Pump will, too, albeit not as intense as the Pump Works' version. The FP is especially good for folks like you who are (rightly) concerned about the stronger pumps, and for people who are trying to determine whether they like this kind of sensation enough to invest in the more expensive Pump Works pump. The FP's suction is definitely milder, and the enlargement effect seen with the stronger pumps won't happen during the FP's use. (I should clarify that I'm not referring here to long-term enlargement, but to a visible enlargement caused by the active suction, while the pump is in use.) As a general rule, my position is that these toys ought to be used for feeling, not function (i.e., enlargement) -- a safe and foolproof technology for achieving that goal has yet to come down the pike.

About waterproof vibes: these are battery vibes, so you can take them into the hot tub without fear. You can't do this with any other sort of vibrator -- certainly not the electric kind. Immersing a vibe (other than a waterproof one) is definitely a no-no -- either you risk electric shock (cord vibrator) or you ruin the vibrator because water gets into the battery case and corrodes everything. The waterproof units have a seal to prevent this from happening. Ejaculating on a vibrator isn't the same as immersing it -- I have never heard of an electrical mishap involving ejaculation, thank goodness -- but it's a good idea to wipe the moisture off the vibe as soon after use as you can. It is certainly possibly that repeated spray-downs could affect the life span of, especially, a non-waterproof battery vibrator. But it's not a big safety issue.

Dear Readers,
I feel like Dorothy in Oz -- I've been nominated to be a Grand Marshal of San Francisco's Pride Parade! Community members can vote for GM through April 9 at various locations around SF. East Bay voting locations will be announced on March 27. More info is available in local LGBT papers and at www.sfpride.org. Also up for election is one of my heroes, Patrick Califia-Rice (the artist formerly known as Pat Califia). Only one individual will win, but maybe if Patrick and I get enough votes, they'll let us mud-wrestle for the prize. Well, a girl can dream.