Hi Carol!

I attended one of your seminars at PantheaCon'98 and you seem to be very "fluid" sexually. I need some help figuring out my sexual identity. I am 46 years old. Until 1995, I was a confirmed heterosexual. Then, in college, I developed a crush on my Lesbian American Studies professor. I am married, so that really threw me for a loop. I also became friends with a FTM, non-operative transsexual in my Graduate Psychology class, but I didn't want to get too close to her because I knew she had a partner. She was awesome!

During the past 5 years, I have been on a sort of trapeze, swinging between Lesbian, Bisexual, Polyamorous, and Heterosexual. Polyamory was a disaster for me, although my husband is still poly and I am open-minded about it. We always use "safe sex" techniques and we are tested every 6 months for HIV and STDs. My husband is the only man with whom I want to be sexually intimate. I'm even thinking of "packing" to bring out my "male" side, which seems to come out when I am attracted to women. I feel very assertive and energetic in this mode. My female side is an emotional, lethargic mess, and I'm not even in menopause yet. I would really like to meet a nice Lesbian woman, hopefully a butchy BBW, who is open to being friends with a married woman, but I'm too chicken to go to bars or cafes and "cruise."

Thankfully, my husband is a MTF transsexual, non-operative, so he is very understanding about my "ups and downs." He just wishes I could be really happy. I love him dearly and we are soulmates. I just wish I could calm down and find my sexual "niche." I would really appreciate any suggestions that you can give me.

--Searching

Dear Searching,

You may have more than one niche, my dear! But there are definite advantages to that sort of fluidity. You may wind up on the bisexual *and* bigendered side -- with both a male and a female partner, possibly, and perhaps especially tuned in to your "male" side. Have you tried playing with your husband (in femme mode) while you're in your more masculine mode? Or are you only in touch with that side when your partners or crush objects are women?

You don't say what about polyamory was disastrous for you, but I'm guessing you had a hard time connecting with women once they learned you had a husband. Poly relationships only really work when everyone is on the same page, so if you are open to trying a one-MTF-husband plus one-female-lover situation, I'd suggest looking for women where the women are more comfortable with such choices, like in the bisexual and polyamory communities. (If the disaster involves your getting insecure or jealous, the poly community may not be the most ideal place to look for women lovers -- the women you meet there may desire to be more sexually/relationally open than you'd be comfortable with.)

The bi community will let you connect with women who find it less problematic that your husband is in your life -- some of them may also have male partners in the woodwork. Some bisexual women (and men) feel a particular bisexual version of polyamory is ideal: one female and one male partner. If you hooked up with a woman like that, you might find your modified poly situation feels quite stable and satisfying. Also, the bisexual community in the Bay Area is fairly well integrated with the gender community, which means that there you will also have more luck meeting women who respect your husband's gender identity and the fact that you remain committed to him. There may also be some women in the gender community who are more or less in your shoes, or at least can appreciate them.

I'd advise you against searching for women in communities where the lesbians are especially transphobic -- in some parts of the Bay Area there are fewer enlightened and open attitudes and more preconceived, negative notions about gender and relationship fluidity. Don't go there! If you intend to stay married and connected to your husband, the communities you frequent (and in which you look for women-friends) should be ones in which your somewhat unorthodox situation is treated as a non-problematic variation -- one shade in a whole rainbow of options. You *can* find such people around here. I'm pleased you're not writing to me from a more conservative area -- your chances wouldn't be zero in Boise or Bloomington, but they're lots better here.

I hope you can allow a certain degree of fluidity into your own self-image -- not in the somewhat problematic way you see yourself now, but as one of the new types of people who don't allow either/or notions of sexual and gender identity to fence them in. Here's a reading list that you might find useful: _PoMoSexuals_, a book I co-edited, shows you that you are far from alone in looking for a "both/and" world. _My Gender Workbook_ (Kate Bornstein) helps you claim your space (or spaces!) on the gender continuum. _The Ethical Slut_ (Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt) helps you steer the shoals of a non-monogamous relationship, whether you have two partners at a time or several, and no matter what you call it. You might also appreciate _Lesbian Polyamory_ (Celeste West).

To find women, go where open-minded, fluidly-identified women are -- and especially where women have a chance to talk and open up, as in discussion groups, salons, and classes. Don't look for women in bars. You might also want to explore placing a few ads -- that way, at least, you weed out the women who are judgmental, not intrigued or accepting, of your already-partnered status. Try to accept yourself the way you are -- others will be more likely to accept you too. Best of luck.