Dear Dr. Queen–

My partner suffers from vaginismus, which causes pain during intercourse. Vaginismus, according to the literature, affects as many as one in every three women. Aside from the physical pain, the psychological stress this causes ruins relationships and self-esteem. Physical treatment mostly involves inserting increasingly larger objects into the vagina until the involuntary spasms that cause the burning pains are no longer triggered.

There currently exist no dilators that can be worn under clothing for several hours at a time. Dildos are much too long, not available in closely graduated diameters, are much too large for many beginners (some sufferers have to start out using birthday candles) and cannot be used in public. What is needed is a series of soft, short, harness-wearable dilators that can be worn discreetly during the workday, whether while seated or while physically active. These need to be available in sizes ranging from 1/4" to 21/4" in diameter. Does anyone offer custom dildos? I might finally get a partner who actually looks forward to sex for her own enjoyment! –Mark

Dear Mark,

I am not aware of any company that currently makes custom dildos, although there are a good many makers of vaginal dilators. I went to AskJeeves.com and queried, "Where can I find vaginal dilators?" I got a fairly long list of sites that carry these products, including one–neoforma.com–that lists dilators from companies all over the globe. Most of these sites are not aimed at vaginismus sufferers, but rather at the other populations that most frequently use dilators: male-to-female transsexuals and cancer patients. It’s true that many of these products are hard plastic, are probably not all that comfortable, and seem too long for any "wear it at work" type of usage.

The ideal material for dilators would be medium-soft silicone. It’s the most resilient and easy-to-clean material out there. Good Vibrations once asked a dilator manufacturer to wholesale to us, only to find that they weren’t willing to deal with a sex-toy company–a really unfortunate example of how medicalized and sometimes actively sex-phobic some of these folks are. Of course, if they were more sex-positive, their products might be made out of more comfy materials, eh?

My recommendation to your partner is that she use anal plugs as dilators for now. These have several advantages over dildos. They have a base and are short enough to be worn comfortably for a period of time. The smallest ones are very narrow, and they’re available in graduated sizes. This isn’t a perfect solution–the shape isn’t quite right, especially as the size increases–but I think your partner will find these easier to use than either dildos or rock-hard dilators. In the meantime I would encourage you both to contact all the companies listed on neoforma.com and ask whether they do custom work. Perhaps you’ll have some luck. Kudos to both of you for not giving up.

Dear Carol,

The dancer who wrote in a while ago made me wish that people could just go and see people naked. Why do we have to go to separate places? There’s hardly anywhere for straight women to go and see straight men naked. Women usually aren’t allowed in the gay places. Why don’t more strip clubs have naked men? They might be able to increase their business, and the men I’ve talked to said they wouldn’t mind seeing naked men once in a while. I’ve tried calling clubs to ask about this, but I keep getting the runaround. –Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

It’s true, the naked-person business is not very co-ed, at least in the US. (I passed some clubs in Amsterdam that had co-ed shows, so maybe if you find yourself there on vacation you could do a little voyeurizing.) Part of the problem is the steadfast stereotype that women don’t like to watch. Of course we do–the success of Chippendale’s ought to have clued everyone in–and more and more women are in the audience at strip shows and other such clubs these days. But those women, like the men who usually still outnumber them, are indeed there to see other women–and some strip clubs, even now, do not welcome female customers at all, fearing that we’ll scare the male customers away, delicate flowers that those fellows are. Some gay clubs let women in, but we really do scare the men there. (The last time I went to the Nob Hill, I saw so many closeted guys from Dubuque I couldn’t keep count. The way they eyeballed me, you’d have thought I was there to hand out demerits.)

You can make the trek out to Castro Valley and go to Muggg’s. It’s the only Bay Area club that regularly features male strippers. But they’ll make your boyfriend wait outside while you go in and squeal. Other naked-people-viewing options include the nonsexual ambience at a nude beach or nudist club, the very sexual ambience of a swing club or sex party, and the occasional Explicit Players performance or big shindig like the Exotic-Erotic Ball. Most options for watching naked folks will be listed in the Spectator calendar.

I, too, find this state of affairs disappointing. It’s a symptom of the culture’s desire to keep sex non-normalized, unfortunately. Keep asking the clubs for co-ed shows–maybe one day we’ll get lucky.