Dear Carol,

I have a friend with a really big problem. She can't keep a girlfriend because she won't have sex once they're committed and together. I don't mean she lets it slack off -- she just totally stops. I've asked her about it and she doesn't know why she's this way -- she says she always has been, from her first girlfriend on. She only sleeps with them when they're just beginning to go out. Or she can also have casual sex with women. I think she hopes she will eventually find a girl who doesn't care very much about sex. I know there are women like that out there, but I think most women want to make love at least at the beginning of a relationship, don't you? So far none of them have stayed around long enough to not want it.

I'm writing to you now because she has recently gotten together with a woman who is really, really great. They are perfect together, and my friend loves her more than anyone she's ever been with. She is scared that her problem will drive her new lover away, and I think it probably will. Personally, I think she needs a therapist, but she is afraid of that and doesn't know how to find a good one. What do you think?
-- Concerned

Dear Concerned,

This is the most extreme case of lesbian bed death I've ever heard about. LBD, not to be confused with "little black dress," is a concept introduced to the culture by lesbian therapist JoAnn Loulan; it describes the gradual slowing down and even cessation of sexual focus in lesbian couples who otherwise stay very committed and often very loving. Trouble is, for your friend and her new lover, it usually does seem important for couples to have a period of erotic bonding, and your pal is definitely cutting that part short. Loulan has written books your friend might want to check out: Lesbian Sex, Lesbian Passion, and The Lesbian Erotic Dance. One of her important post-LBD insights is that couples don't need to be in the throes of passionate arousal to make love; they only need to be willing to be together in a potential erotic space, and start sensual and sexual play -- they might find the desire sneaks up on them and transforms the experience from one of sweet sensuality to true heat.

Before I go on with my thoughts about your friend, let me say just a little more about LBD. This theory was very controversial in the lesbian world -- it is a pretty harsh euphemism. Many lesbians felt it painted everyone with the brush of (at least potential) dysfunction. The fact is, many other dykes breathed a sigh of relief to hear they weren't the only ones whose sexual frequency had gone way down, and some women even loftily opined that this was just a sign that lesbians were more high-minded than everybody else. Yeah, whatever. Here's my point: "bed death" isn't the sole province of lesbians, not at all. Many long-term couples find their sex lives go past a rut and into a slump, probably for many of the same reasons Loulan cited in writing about lesbians. If BD is more common among lesbians, it may be related to the fact that many lesbians place a very high value on relationship longevity (hence they don't break up at the point other couples might), and that many lesbians (like many other women) aren't encouraged to develop skills around sexual assertion, as many men are. Of course, Loulan created her useful theoretical work before the advent of On Our Backs magazine. Hey, all we had to turn us on in the '70s was Anaïs Nin stories, okay? Things are certainly different now.

Now, back to your friend. I agree that she could use therapy; a pattern this ingrained and extreme may well persist without skillful assistance in unraveling it. I'd say she needs a sex therapist, but one who is quite comfortable with a range of relationship issues; she also needs to make sure the therapist is completely lesbian-friendly and sophisticated about issues like internalized homophobia and gender. (It's up to her whether she'd actually prefer the therapist to be lesbian herself, but she should interview a few therapists before signing up, if possible, making sure she intuitively feels good about the person she chooses.) Together, she and the therapist will probably want to delve into issues like what sex means to her, especially in the context of a relationship; whether she is in fact troubled by internalized issues like homophobia, self-esteem, or gender dysphoria; whether there is any sexual trauma in her past; whether she really wants and is ready to be in an intimate relationship. Some of these things obviously affect her girlfriend, and she should be very honest with her lover about the fact that she is taking on some large life issues -- I would recommend her girlfriend participate actively in the process. The therapist will probably assign exercises for the two of them to do together, perhaps based on Loulan's "willingness" model.

For some people, sex in a relationship is emotionally coded, sometimes subconsciously, as not very sexy. Folks like this may prefer the excitement of first connecting with someone, especially someone they hardly know, or they may engage in a pattern of affairs to keep the level of illicit heat turned up. For others, sex leads to intimacy, and that level of intimacy is painful, threatening, unfamiliar, or can't be sustained hand in hand with day-to-day intimacy. People who drink or use drugs sometimes have an easy time with sexual assertion or openness when high, but out of the clubs it turns out they really prefer the bottle, needle, or straw. Any of these issues could be affecting your friend, and if she wants to have a successful relationship, she needs to get to the bottom of things and get to work.