Dear Dr. Queen,

In a past "Queen of Hearts" column, your remarks about the number of times that a man can have and maintain an erection within a day included the following statement: "An orgasm and ejaculation are two different things–even with a soft penis, a man can come to orgasm, and it may or may not be accompanied by an ejaculation. For more on this, see the book Male Multiple Orgasm."

If it is true that "ejaculation" and "orgasm" are not one and the same, then how are they distinguishable? Is it possible to ejaculate without experiencing "orgasm"? If that is possible, then how can a man discern whether he has only experienced ejaculation without experiencing "orgasm"? –Naively Curious

Dear NC,

Male ejaculation is that rush (or dribble) of semen from the urethra that most of us have learned to call both ejaculation and orgasm. Orgasm is the sense of pleasure that often accompanies ejaculation. It’s frequently associated with contractions of the pubococcygeal (aka Kegel) muscle, though if people’s PC muscles aren’t well-toned they won’t feel these contractions as strongly.

Ejaculation is a reflex. In men with injured spinal cords, ejaculation can be experienced without orgasm–without any feeling at all, in fact. We also know, partly from the experience of these same men, that orgasm can be achieved without any genital contact at all: Orgasmic sensations can be evoked in some people through kissing, through nipple, neck, or ear stimulation, or other kinds of erotic touch. Most people experience orgasm through genital stimulation, but a few have orgasm through other means: there is a study of a small number of women who can "think themselves off" (basically, they fantasize themselves to orgasm), and I have met one man who could do the same.

Now, it’s true that in nonparaplegic or quadriplegic men, the things that tend to stimulate the reflex of ejaculation may well also result in orgasm. However, as noted above, it’s possible for men to have orgasms that do not involve ejaculation. Oftentimes these can be caused by stimulation other than penile–anal and, especially, prostate stimulation probably cause the greatest number of these, although prostate stimulation is also sometimes used to trigger the ejaculation reflex.

Men having nonejaculatory orgasms respond, essentially, the same way a woman does when she is coming. They experience waves of pleasure that are often accompanied by muscle contractions. Some men can have multiple orgasms this way, just as some women can. Both ejaculation and orgasm can feel good, and maybe most guys would vote for having them both at the same time. But men who have explored nonejaculatory orgasm often say that ignoring the quick rush to ejaculate lets them build up to much stronger orgasms than they had before. It’s certainly true that for women, men, and everyone else, taking more time before orgasm can make the orgasm feel a lot more powerful. I don’t think it’s necessary to withhold ejaculation altogether for this sort of strong orgasm, but a man must certainly be able to hold back from ejaculating for quite awhile to be able to explore it.

The bottom line here is that male sexuality is more complex than most of us have been taught–without acknowledging this possibility, most men never try to explore experience beyond the "normal" male response. They may be missing out on a part of their sexuality they’d really value, if they got to know it in the first place. Another example: Both ejaculation and orgasm can be experienced by a guy without an erection–something else many guys don’t know. Just because the penis is soft doesn’t mean the nerve endings disconnect. But a great many men don’t bother to explore what an unerect penis is capable of, and avoid sexual play altogether when an erection isn’t present. How to know whether your ejaculation is orgasmic or not? If it feels pleasurable, more than merely a relief, it was probably orgasmic. The shorter the duration from stimulation to ejaculation, the less likely you were able to build up to a true orgasm–but there’s no hard and fast timeline, if you’ll excuse the phrase.

Dear Dr. Queen,

I found your remarks on the subject of "loose pussy" interesting and informative. One thing that you overlooked is that a woman might not seem "firm enough" if she is amply lubricated. Some women simply produce a relatively copious volume of vaginal fluid during intercourse, which can have the dismaying effect of almost eliminating tactile stimulation of the penis, even to the extent of causing loss of the erection. Perhaps the volume itself might not be as significant as some undefined (?) attribute of the fluid. Regardless, my partner(s) and I never found a satisfactory approach or method to counteract or overcome such a situation. Perhaps your suggestions of exercising the Kegel muscles to make the vagina firmer could be helpful, i.e., if there is not an acceptable way to modify the lubrication as the primary cause. –Lost in the Waters

Dear Lost,

Thanks for adding this insight to my previous answer. The more slippery the vaginal lubrication (or artificial lube), the less friction you will feel during intercourse–some women’s secretions, and some bottled lubes, are slicker than others. I agree that there is no one way to counteract this. Pot-smoking types may have noticed "dry pussy" can accompany dry mouth, but this won’t, of course, be a solution acceptable to everyone. Lots of vaginal secretions usually equals a turned-on woman, which you definitely want, so Kegel exercises are a good idea to help counteract the friction-free effect of copiously flowing juices.