Dear Carol,

I have too much direct practical experience with genital fungal infection epidemiology. A couple years back, several of us in our no-obligation drop-in harem were passing yeastie beasties around and around. It took eighteen months of experimentation to beat them into submission. Here are our findings, any of which may help your recent correspondent.

1. Guys do get yeast infections. What do you think causes jock itch? Scrotum to labia contact is certainly enough to pass the fungi on. Per our experience, try over-the-counter jock itch products (Tinactin, Monistat, etc.). You may want to try a diagnosis first, but don’t be surprised if they find nothing conclusive. I’ve even used ball powder on my labia majora and in my undies to defeat the bugs.

2. Glycerine-based lubricants are food for yeast. The glyc (Greek for "sweet") in glycerine is a sugar and if you use such lubes, you and your partner(s) may select for a stubborn population of glycerine-loving yeast. Try one of the newer silicon-based lubes instead (Eros Glide is very nice).

3. General hygiene really matters. That means shower daily and dry your crotch well before climbing into clean undies. Uncircumcised guys need to pull back the foreskin and clean every day anyway, but especially if your partner has a yeast infection. A quick rinse after intercourse with the hand-held shower helps, too.

4. Underwear matters! When I hosted swing parties, I noticed that women with recurrent yeast infections (and bacterial infections and PID) were pantyhose wearers, and especially prone to the unhygienic practice of fucking and crawling back into the old pair of pantyhose to go home. Don’t! Guys, go for white cotton, looser fit, and bleach your not-so-tightie whities regularly (add a little baking soda to the washing machine). Girls, whenever possible dress to let your pussies breathe!

5. Try probiotics. Certain species of bacteria, among them acidophilus, are the vagina’s natural first line of defense against yeast overgrowth. Girls can use yogurt douches and acidophilus caps for the vagina. They worked well for some of us. Vinegar douches may help if not overused. Douches are not practical for guys, but it wouldn’t hurt to increase oral acidophilus intake by eating more yogurt or taking supplements. –Dewy Twat

Dear Queen of Hearts,

This is in response to DH’s struggle with the body size of his love interest. DH, no chainsaw from this feminist. I enthusiastically cheer you raising these questions and struggling with them. Many men would have given in to their lesser selves and passed her by. My boyfriend and I have to work on these issues, too. I’m about average-sized, but, heck, any women over size 8, which is far below average, is considered large. (Although my large sisters sure catch more of the oppression.) I encourage continuing to question the underlying stereotypes you hold about women and what is sexy. I also think part of the problem (our society’s, not just yours) is that most folks–men or women–never see average- or large-sized women portrayed as sexy. I suggest you run right out and get your hands on a MODE magazine. This fabulous magazine shows curvy average- or large-sized women as sexy and desirable. I subscribe to it and never get to look at it first without wrestling it out of my boyfriend’s hands. It has helped both of us reframe what turns us on and who we think of as hot. It has freed us up in our relationship and has taken our sex to a new, eyes-rolling-back-in-your-head kind of hot level. –Been There

Dear Mistress Queen of Hearts,

One day at the zoo I saw an animal hung like a bright and shining star. It was a gray colored tapir. Mind boggling, how it could almost step on itself and did in fact drag across the ground on occasion. I have since attempted to verify this sighting to my roommate, who is an aficionado of the "unsual," and have come up short. I found a response of yours to another tapir question so I thought you may be able to assist me with a jpeg or a video title, anything, to resolve this issue. –Bill

Dear Bill,

Alas, as I whined in a recent column, there are simply not enough hours in the day. I am, sadly, without URL on this matter. However, I can tell you that at least one tapir video exists, for I have seen it with my own eyes. Since everything else that ever was has been jpegged, I’m sure it exists out there on the Net. Readers, any leads? Promise I won’t tell the FBI or your boss what you’ve been bookmarking. (Note: the President Bush [???] Justice Department is almost certainly going to be more anti-tapir video than the Clinton folks have been, and Tipper Gore probably doesn’t like them either, so no matter what happens with the chad, start thinking about encryption.)

The video in question was shot in a zoo in Brazil. I have it on good authority that a zookeeper in San Francisco swears that tapirs have prehensile penises (elephants do, so why not tapirs?)–that is, they can move them around at will. If our nonexotic animal-loving readers wonder why someone would find a creature attractive that looks like a cross between a large pig and a small hippo, they need only consider this prehensility thing. Oh, and it’s three-lobed (the penis, not the entire tapir). Fun facts for your next cocktail party or tapir-centered erotic reverie.