Dear Dr. Queen,

I am a fifty-year-old former breast cancer patient who has been free of cancer for the past five years. My problem is my husband, who refuses to touch me and who gives me excuses why he can’t have sex. I’m getting tired of sleeping by myself. Do breasts mean more to a man than his wife does? I really feel bad and I’m beginning to feel insecure. Will I have to endure this mental pain the rest of my life? –Rejected and Lonely

Dear R&L,

While many husbands go through the process of cancer diagnosis and treatments at their wives’ sides and do not reject them sexually, there are those men (remember Newt Gingrich?) who do not stay the course. Perhaps your husband is one of them. However, dire illness is an enormous stressor not just on the ill person, but also on her/his family and relationship, and stress is not especially good for sex. It is possible that the fear and stress of your bout with cancer hit your husband especially hard and that, in spite of your own recovery and desire to affirm life, he has not recovered. Even if he loves you very much and would like to get back to "normal," he can’t do so until he has processed his own fear and pain. This is, of course, a circular situation: If he is still unresolved about your illness, you will feel rejected and it will provoke pain in you. It is even possible that he is having erection difficulties now, has not told you so, and is avoiding sex completely because he doesn’t want his erectile abilities to be tested and perhaps fail. Ironically, you would probably be happy–at least initially–with just body contact and intimate touch, but many men remove themselves entirely from the sensual and sexual arena at times like this.

So–is he a cad, or does he need therapy? And in either case, can you get some support for yourself? The worst-case scenario is that he is emotionally cut off from you, does not want to engage with you sexually, and will not change. (Actually, it would be even worse if he were also emotionally abusive, not just rejecting.) If this were the case, would you stay with him? Many women decide they’re better off without partners who do not love and support them, and they take care of themselves through relationships with friends and family, living solo or with other women, taking lovers, and recommitting to their own relationships with themselves. Certainly some women choose to do all these things without divorce; others do choose divorce so that they can move on.

If he is a fabulous husband in every way but this, and you want to repair your relationship if possible, I would recommend therapy with a professional who has experience working with couples in your situation. You are not the first woman to experience this sort of rejection, I’m sorry to say, and an experienced therapist will help both of you sort out the possibilities that remain available to you. Choose a professional with experience working with sexual issues–if he is concerned about sexual performance, among other things, your husband will need the support of someone who can help men unravel the knot of expectation and fear that goes along with erectile problems.

The Women’s Cancer Resource Center–(510) 548-9272–may be able to offer a support group for you and therapists’ referrals for you and your husband. If he refuses to attend couples counseling with you, I would strongly recommend that you seek therapy or a support group anyway: Whether or not he is willing to change and address his issues, you need the support. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Carol,

I’m not at all pleased at the prospect of disappearing pussy hair. I don’t know if this happens to all women as they age (maybe it’s like baldness or thinning head hair in men–which actually I find quite attractive), but I’ve polled a few and observed others, and it does appear to be a common phenomenon. I’ve been wondering about decorative alternatives, since Rogaine, merkins, or hair transplants don’t seem like practical solutions. Is there a safe dye for pubic hair? I could color what’s left shocking pink or chartreuse…. Shave it all off? Tattoo surrounding areas? Any wisdom, fashion tips, or helpful hints would be much appreciated. –EM

Dear EM,

Thinning puss hair is one of the age-related changes that can follow menopause; if you’re at that stage in life, ask your gynecologist about hormone replacement therapy and whether it will allow you to stay furry longer. (Other questions include whether HRT is even indicated in your particular case.) Many women in the know recommend that you avoid Premarin and stick with plant-based products–easier on the body, and on the bodies of the horses from whose urine Premarin is derived.

But aesthetic options abound. Ask at your local beauty-supply store for the mildest dyes, and avoid getting them on/in mucous membranes. A recent Queen of Hearts column addressed how to shave pubic hair, and the simplest puss-cut of all is a trim, perhaps going over the edges with a razor. A shaved mound with a tattoo on or surrounding it can be pretty spectacular–I have a number of friends who decorate this way, with blackwork designs resembling flames, antlers, or vines. Getting these is not what you’d call comfortable, but tattoo aficionados value the discomfort not only for the resulting body art, but also for the endorphin experience provided by the tattooing itself. If you go this route, make sure your tat artist is experienced with such designs and maintains sterile procedures. You might want to start with removable tattoos or body paint to see if you like the results.