Hi Carol,

I’m a vanilla woman who recently got involved with a VERY non-vanilla guy. I met him through a dating site, and subsequently stumbled upon another profile he had up on the alt.com site. I was shocked! He was not deceptive in his more tame profile –- he alluded pretty specifically to his interest in sado-masochism and his orientation as a submissive -– but the alt.com profile went into such graphic detail about his interests and experiences that I almost bolted.

Here’s the thing though... he’s the most balanced man that I’ve met in a long time. I’m smitten, and therefore doing A LOT of research on BDSM and being a dominant woman. I’ve watched “Whipsmart” and “Bend Over Boyfriend”, I’ve read some things online, I had a session with Sybil Holiday, and am currently reading "SM 101".

We’ve had really terrific sex (pretty vanilla by his standards I’m sure), but i’d like to learn how to “torture” him effectively, and be a proper dom. I’m sure I can master the authority needed (I’m an alpha female -– and as an aside I think he’s an alpha male/STRONG bottom), and can do the tying up and all of that. It’s the whipping, cropping, caning, “hurting” I am afraid of –- I mean I know that to inflict erotic pain on someone takes a lot of skill.

Where do i go?? I’ve heard there are other trainings; I’d be interested in coming to any helpful events. Thank you!

--Alpha

Dear Alpha,

What delightful visions of by turns playful, then intense, wolf packs you conjure! Your new fella is very fortunate to have found someone who takes him and his eroticism as seriously as you do. I trust you will discover (if you haven't already) your own sense of eroticism about all of this, and I'm guessing you won't be surprised when I remind you that your partner is one of the best sources of information about what to do: back before any of these new-fangled classes and workshops came along, getting into kinky relationships *was* how newly-kinky people came out into the world, and that remains true for many people even in the Internet age. But on the other hand, an alpha woman these days needs to preserve her own sense of power, so by all means go out and learn some skills so you can surprise him.

I have a few more suggestions for your reading list, first of all. These books will be more easily accessible to women in your shoes who don't live in the Bay Area, where workshops on BDSM-related topics are much easier to find than they are in most other places. Don't forget Sybil Holiday's book (co-authored with William Henkin) "Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely." Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy's books "The Bottoming Book" and "The Topping Book" go into far more detail about the psychological side of these roles than most books on BDSM, and are recommended. Hardy also wrote, as Lady Green, an intro for women who want to try domination, but I am guessing that your own self-education has taken you past the intro stage. One sophisticated intro book you might still want to check out is Patrick Califia's "Sensuous Magic." Greenery and Daedalus presses, to name two, have a number of books about specific kinds of play that you might find useful.

Also, don't overlook books about topping aimed at gay men. First-person books by dominants, especially dominant women, might be good for you to check out, as might good-quality SM erotica.

On to video instruction: You might really appreciate Cleo Dubois' evocative, intense "Pain Game." She has another video about bondage, too ("Tie Me Up"). The mainstream sex ed video world doesn't offer much, nor does the porn world, but you should know the name Ernest Greene, who is as savvy as it gets when it comes to dominance. He and his partner Nina Hartley make informational tapes now that are more or less aimed at beginners (Nina has a well-developed explicit sex ed market and they have brought kinky play to that audience), but Greene's own tapes have always been serious, informed, and often involve very intense levels of play.

Your style will likely differ from the dominance style of a male top, whether he's straight, gay, bisexual, or Martian; but the techniques used by any top might be transferrable to your own play with your alpha bottom, whether you're learning single-tail whipping from a hetero topman or cock and ball play from a gay sadist. One of the most interesting things about the world of BDSM is the way gender and gender identity works; it can be more fluid than elsewhere in the sexual communities, more seriously fetishized, but it can also matter less what a person's gender and/or orientation are, and matter more what s/he knows and what kind of play s/he specializes in. Depending on your partner's playstyle (and your own), any source of topping information might be worthwhile for you.

Finally, more workshop suggestions. Around the Bay Area you might find relevant workshops at QSM (www.qualitysm.com), Good Vibrations, Stormy Leather, the Citadel (www.sfcitadel.org), the Center for Sex & Culture (www.sexandculture.org), and through the Society of Janus (www.soj.org) and the Exiles (www.theexiles.org), to name a few. Janus and the Exiles are two organizations you might wish to join to get access to community, information, and support. (The Exiles is a women's group, and Janus is mixed.) If you become personally interested in BDSM -- that is, if it evokes your own erotic interest, rather than just giving you many new ways to make your boyfriend squeal -- you might wish to affiliate with a more in-depth BDSM learning community like the Journeyman Academy (www.j3a.org). Look for workshops from Cleo Dubois, Sybil Holiday, Frank Strona, Midori, and other big names in the community, but remember that the BDSM world honors expertise as much as anything else, and you might get the best information ever from a person whose name you've never heard before. And if you and your partner are in a position to travel (and for other readers who live outside the Bay Area), workshop as well as social and play opportunities can be had at conferences (Black Rose and Thunder in the Mountains are two with especially good reputations, but there are many others). Some are organized by groups such as the National Leather Association and its regional affiliates, but there are other community groups and spaces all around the US now. Follow the links on BDSM organizations' webpages: they will take you all over the place.

One final thought for you: In some parts of the BDSM world, far greater focus is given to the sometimes-arcane and specialized types of play that are the subjects of so many of these workshops than to the erotic options that you (in your life as a vanilla girl) have enjoyed so far. But don't get the idea, in interacting with and learning from this world, as though vanilla sex isn't important: for many of these folks genital sex is just as hot as the bondage, intense sensation, and roleplay. Make sure your own erotic needs continue to be met even as you learn all this new stuff. One of the big pluses of being a female dominant, you know, is that you can decide exactly what you want, and (unless it crosses his boundaries) you can order your submissive to do just that!